The Crystal Menace

[Gremlin]

So we went and saw the new Raiders film last night. We including MondoHebe. So half the film was spent muttering about historical and scientific inaccuracies. Meaning [and this is probably something of a spoiler warning] that it was as silly as the other three, StarWars, Jurassic, Back to the Future, and everything else since Jaws. Meaning also that I'm not entirely sure why everyone online seems to hate this film so much: Spielberg's been developing unresolved happy endings since Duel, and Lucas has been podracing since THX1138; you'd think people would understand that by now.

In any case, I was okay with the film. It was better than Temple and really no worse than Crusade. There was a bit of CG [technically, every frame was CG, since the whole film, and every film made this century, was processed through computers at some point] but it really wasn't a problem--it was less problematic than all the muppets crammed into LucasFilms in the eighties while CG was improving. I suppose it could be debated whether a CG mushroomcloud is more or less stark than stopmotion actionfigures in minecars or rearprojection dogfights outside Berlin; but I don't really care very much.

Curiously, most people slamming this thing online, as of today, are whimpering about the nuclear test. As much as the fridge being advertised as leadlined was probably supposed to convince nine in ten morons, giving the other ten percent a little factoid with which to debate Indy's survival online in the coming months, it seems to have backfired; today, everyone's debating the possibility of anyone surviving its launch across the desert. I'm expecting a Mythbusters episode in the future to test Buster's outcome, and probably a concession that Buster never drank anything out of the holy grail.

My problem was more with the general plotline. The 'crash' outside Roswell in 1947 [finally declassified recently as a weatherballoon modded into a spyplane] and the laughable credibility of the infamous Mitchell-Hedges skull, reportedly discovered in 1924 but evidently bought at Sotheby's in 1943, and, according to Jones, impossible to create with 1957's technology--which was apparently downgraded from the basic ninteenth century mechanical tools used to design the hoax here in reality.

The aliens were slightly bothersome, for all the usual reasons: that they would evolve to appear even remotely humanoid, that they'd have discovered Earth in an infinite multiverse [there's a wormhole aspect I won't go into here], and so on. Also, based on the stuff they'd collected from history, they apparently hung out on Earth from BC3000 until Last Wednesday before vanishing into 'the space between spaces'. Yeah: it was that lovecraftian. Very weird.

On the other hand, it's nothing new. It's not like Spielberg has ever used aliens as a plotdevice before. Except in Close Encounters. And ET. And AI. And so on. And, technically, it's all no less credible a myth than the existence of Moses and the ark of the covenant, Mola Ram and his weird Andy Kaufman surgeries, or the Black Knight guarding a mythical grail for centuries on end. Ultimately, melting socialists and dissipating communists look about the same, I suppose.

The casting bugged me a bit. Cate Blanchett was okay as Spalko, insofar as anyone coulda been. But seeing John Hurt as Oxley just reminded me that, the first time I saw him, it was in Alien. And Pepe LePew as Hank Williams [if you haven't seen the film yet, you'll get that later] mostly just reminded me that I'm never gonna get TransFormers outta my brain. As for Karen Allen, she seemed to be doing something of a parody of Ravenwood, relying on a couple of acerbic oneliners to account for her downtime between 1936 and 1957.

I suppose the real problem is simply that Raiders was a bit of a fluke. Temple was Spielberg's dismal attempt at building up a franchise [worse in fact than the second Jurassic] and Crusade was a throwaway slapstick conclusion defended at the time as an apology for the second film. With this film, you get the Phantom Menace Syndrome: nearly twenty years of expectation disillusioned by a couple hours of footage contrived by the founding members of the Boomers and designed for the Millennial Generation; apparently, we in GenerationX already got all we're gonna get, and it wasn't bad.

As a standalone, this woulda flunked. As much as its formula was that of the original StarWars, with a sketchy background attempting to explain the first three films, it doesn't seem to work in reverse, when you've already seen the prequels. On the other hand, if half the details crammed into the background had been filmed and released every three years since 1989, it might have worked on that goofy, forgivable JamesBond level. As it is, it's kinda the lost serial, recently discovered to have been one of Ford's later films, slightly weird in light of the loss of whatever we missed over the last nineteen years. It's part of the series, as expected; but the expectation now is to see Indiana Jones Goes to War if it's ever located, all these years later.

[Jurassosaurus]

My thoughts fall pretty much in line with yours. I just got back from seeing the film, and I still can't decide whether, or not I thought it was any good.

I mean, on the one hand it had some really hokey moments, with some bad plot points and stupid joke setups ("grab the snake!"). LaBeouf continues to astound me at his ability to be successful given his "everyman" look and so-so acting. I tolerated him more in Transformers than I did Indy. I guess it is because he is a more believable loser than greaser.

But then on the other hand, Temple of Doom and bits and pieces of Last Crusade were just as bad. LaBeouf was really no worse an appeal to the masses than Short Round was in Temple. So in that sense, Crystal Skull was no worse.

Since the spoiler is out of the bag already, I have to ask: What the fuck is up with Spielberg and aliens? Not only have they been his favourite plot devices for the past dozen movies, or so, but they are always the same damned aliens. I'd swear that Spielberg must have had a "close encounter" early in life and now feels a need to tell it to people over and over and over again.

I have to say I don't like my X-Files mixed with my Indy. While it technically fits with the whole Mayan/Egyptian mythos (as long as one is willing to view stupid conspiracy theories as mythological), the whole thing just felt too out of place. Especially the "Fight the Futrure" climax of the film. It just reeked of anachronism.

By the way, when the hell was Indy a spy? I never had a problem with the way these movies portrayed teachers/scientists before. It was actually nice to see Hollywood show scientists as active people that don't just live in a lab, but now he's fucking MacGyver? What the hell?

Also, much like Bond, Indy should not get married. The only good part of that entire scene was the bit where Indy rebukes LaBeouf's attempt to continue the series with him at the helm.

The whole nuclear test site bit didn't really bug me much. I, too, questioned how he was supposed to survive getting thrown that far, or why a lead lined fridge that close to ground zero was capable of maintaining structural integrity, much less come out unscathed. While the shot of Indy and the mushroom cloud was certainly neat, it strained credulity to imagine him that close and not screaming from the intense radiation. As I said, though, it didn't really bug me. I just accepted this as a typical Indiana Jones moment. The alien part was really the only thing in the movie that I was unable to suspend my disbelief for.


I'd say if this was a stand alone movie, it would have come out as okay, but not blockbuster worthy (i.e. "The Mummy" effect). As an Indy film it just doesn't quite fit. The CG moments (including Shia La-Tarzan) were rather distracting, and the plot was a little too sci-fi for an Indy film. Of all the films, it is definitely closest to Temple. The only reason that movie received a free ride was for nostalgia (I guess people were more forgiving back then). This film doesn't have that option.

Then there's Indy himself. Harrison Ford has gotten old, and unfortunately for him, it shows. It was great to see him doing many of his own stunts, but you could tell he was really heaving to do some of them (including climbing the boxes in the beginning).

So in the end I'm ambivalent. I can begrudgingly accept that there is a fourth Indiana Jones film. It wasn't a bad film, but it also wasn't all that good. I won't be rushing to add this one to my collection when it hits DVD. Much like Die Hard 4, Rocky VI, and all the other 80's action films being brought back from the dead, this was a classic case of Hollywood trying to get one last drop out of these withered teats of franchises. I'm not saying it would have been better if it was recast/reimagined (if anything it would be ten times worse). I'm just saying that there was no need to make another sequel in the first place.

As for Spielberg and Lucas, I think I've officially had my fill of both of them. Lucas needs to desperately retire before he completely destroys / whores out the entire Star Wars franchise, and Spielberg needs to either stop making movies, or have something happen in his life that will give him back his hard edge. Ever since his kids have been old enough to affect him, his movies have gotten progressively worse.

[Gremlin]

About the mushroomcloud, I'd be willing to debate a couple of points. That the radiation would probably have dissipated, largely, before it was visible; and that its apparent size from that distance could have been atmospheric effects, like the moon appearing half the size of the planet and ten feet away under the right conditions. The problem then is that it presumes that the fridge flew several miles through the air, landing at terminal velocity or more.

As for the film sucking in relation to the other three, that might be foregone. There's a trailer hidden in the XBox's Lego StarWars for LegoIndy which is either out now or should be released in the next few weeks, and it spans only the first three films. Either someone knew that controlling Indy at sixty-five would be like controlling Yoda when he's not jumping, or they're planning another couple films and a LegoIndyII once those are done. In any case, watching Indy limp along in various practical shots was a bit like watching Roger Moore in A View to a Kill: sometimes, you're just too old to do this anymore, be it the years or the mileage. Incidentally, having found the trailer, you can buy Indy as a playable character in the game; he's actually kinda useful.

I saw something in the last year somewhere with Spielberg discussing his career to date, and mentioning that, if he were to make CloseEncounters today [as though he's ever stopped] he'd have had the guy stay on Earth with his family at the end; back then, though, he was still able to imagine a guy with kids bugging out to go joyriding with aliens. So even he gets that he's softened up at some level.

However sadly, it may be about time to admit that Spielberg and Lucas and everyone else that age are in their sixties now, which may have been kinda the point of this film. No one will ever truly replace them, I suppose [no one ever replaced Orson Welles, et al], but their time is over, giving us now everyone from Kevin Smith to Ang Lee. For better or worse.

[Hunter]

Incidentally, having found the trailer, you can buy Indy as a playable character in the game; he's actually kinda useful.

I just thought I should jump in to be all annoying here, and mention that buying Indy as a playable character means buying it from the game, not the XBox marketplace. It doesn't cost real money, just studs. Which might be important, because I know I'd be annoyed if anyone spent real money on a playable character after they'd already spent real money on a game.

Also, I don't know why, but I've suddenly got this slight...concern? Maybe. Slight concern about the area inbetween suffering from that Clone Wars animated fill-in thing...if that can really be called 'suffering'. I don't know for sure.

I suppose it could also 'suffer' from that thing they did with The Thing -- where the videogame was the sequel to the movie [or so I've heard. I haven't actually played the game.] That might not really be suffering, either. Get someone reasonably talented and aware of the whole story to come up with two original plotlines, and cram them into a Lego game...which would probably open the floodgates of horrible Lego originals for years to come, so forget I said that....

[Jurassosaurus]

Just to add to the general disappointment, there is this excerpt from February's Vanity Fair:

When Ford and Spielberg both rejected the idea [about aliens], Lucas dug in. He hired screenwriter after screenwriter to make his MacGuffin the linchpin of a new Indy story. “So this went on for 15 years,” he says. “And finally we got to a point where everybody said, ‘Look, we’re not doing that movie.’ And I said, ‘Well, look, I can’t think of another MacGuffin.

I ask Lucas if each version [of the several scripts] had made use of the prize MacGuffin. “Mmm-hmmm,” he says. “They’re all the same.” And then Lucas gets a little more specific: Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull will apparently nudge our hero away from his usual milieu of spooky archaeology and into the realm of science fiction. “What it is that made it perfect was the fact that the MacGuffin I wanted to use and the idea that Harrison would be 20 years older would fit,” Lucas says. “So that put it in the mid-50s, and the MacGuffin I was looking at was perfect for the mid-50s.

Have I mentioned how much Lucas bugs me as of late?

[Jurassosaurus]

I suppose it could also 'suffer' from that thing they did with The Thing -- where the videogame was the sequel to the movie [or so I've heard. I haven't actually played the game.] .

The game was...interesting. It was okay as a standalone game. The team/paranoia element was a cool idea. There were a few genuinely scary moments (not Silent Hill creepy scares, but more of an Resident Evil: Nemesis type of "run for your life" scare). I played the Xbox version (not that there was any real difference between the ports) and my only real complaints were mechanical in nature. You know, bugs (e.g. the first boss I fought, I somehow wound up getting stuck behind, which resulted in a hard reset).

As for it being a sequel, I guess it was okay. The only real complaint I have with it continuing the story is that it gives a definitive answer to the question left open at the end of the film (i.e. did Childs, and/or Macready survive?). I suppose the survivor could have still been The Thing.