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    Everything Is Stupid, and So Are They

    Saturday 7th July 2018

    MondoHebe sent me a link. Probably somewhat at random. Like, presumably, he didn’t notice the source; he may only have seen the headline, remembered that I’ve got a couple of ZBoards, and made the sorta logical interstellar flight that I usually see when people tell me that ‘a raptor is basically just a small teerex’ or that a skink is a small alligator.

    The first hint that this was all nothing more than a keyword trigger was that the link led to jezebel.com. Where jezebel.com is pretty much for people too selfimpressively authoritarian to tolerate MotherJones.com; it’s basically InfoWars.com, but for democrats—for the Control Left as they picnic across a small hedge from the Alt Right in the political horseshoe.

    So, identifying what we’re dealing with, and having the link itself handy, let’s go through this imbecile’s bulletpoints to see how important it finds itself. Sitting comfortably? Peachy.

    Everything is stupid, and so are we.

    So, to date, you’re at minimum half right.

    Welcome to Jezebel’s Stupidest Summer Ever, a season-long celebration of our worst, most idiotic thoughts and opinions.

    I’m tempted to hope to see the list of your best, least idiotic thoughts and opinions; I imagine ICP forgetting to look up how magnets work.

    I have always loved skaters.

    Translation: I’m about to chauvinise an entire caste of people I LARP are beneath me; so remember that I said this.

    I remember going to the now defunct indoor skatepark at my hometown mall as a tween to watch cute older boys and even cooler, but fewer, girls from my town skate

    Females are superior to males; Copyright © 2018, jezebel.com.

    At home I’d watch Jackass and the underrated MTV show Scarred

    Okay, so: you’re someone who watches Mtv on purpose; I think that tells me everything I’ll ever need to know.

    Part of skating, I thought, was to surrender your whole, stupid body over to the art form and its dangerous whims.

    Nope. All of skating is getting from one place to another, while on wheels; breakdancing with a skateboard is its own thing. It’s a little like how driving your 2005 Daihatsu with the shortsighted HopeyChangey bumpersticker to Whole Foods is one thing, while glancing at whatever streaming Fast and Furious film during rechargey adverts in your freemium phonegame is another.

    Teens who skated were putting themselves in mild danger, which was insanely cool, of course.

    Your teens are boring; we rode boards from here to there before stealing squadcars.

    But you know what isn’t insanely cool? Grown ass men riding electric skateboards.

    Well…not if you’ve set the bar so insanely high as watching Mtv in the twenty-first century.

    Listen, I don’t know where they came from, I just know that they’re everywhere right now.

    Investigative Journalism.

    Several times in the last few months I have walked the streets of New York City and seen a posh older dude skating, almost too smoothly, perhaps with the purr of a small motor, holding…a remote?

    Oh. The cheap ones. So this isn’t about me, at least….

    And every time I’ve died a little bit inside from embarrassment.

    You sure it wasn’t just a delayed reaction from watching Mtv on purpose?

    I’m no skater, nor expert.

    You coulda frontloaded this, before I assumed you were worth deconstructing….

    I am merely a fan of the sport (and a judgmental woman with loud opinions who gets paid to write about them.)

    I admire your willingness to rip off jezebel.com that way.

    And I’ll admit that from what I’ve read, electric skateboards seem like a completely different activity than the non-battery operated original.

    More of a reversion to form, before helicopter parents forbade their larvae from rolling too far from the house, resulting in purposeless breakdancing.

    For one thing, it doesn’t seem like you can do any crazy tricks in them

    I can’t do that anyway: I destroyed my knee falling off a cliff in 1984; my modes of transportation are driving, walking with a cane, or riding a four hundred watt electric mobility device.

    which is lame!

    Ableist bitch.

    They’re also extremely expensive, running hundreds of dollars.

    So, your humblebrag about getting paid for underresearched opinions was a bit lofty, I see….

    The image of a man, say, in his 40s or 50s casually taking up skateboarding for the first time can be disconcerting to some

    Skateboards; eighties; squadcars. I was skating when your parents were shadowbullied into thinking Variflex were cool.

    So if that’s already cringe-inducing, please imagine that exact same scenario except he’s not even trying to learn to skate—he’s buying a motorized board (read: scooter without the handles) to do all the work for him.

    And other cripples need to miss me with those motorised wheelchairs, just dragging themselves around town by their lips. Ableism Watchdog says woof.

    So, am I going to side-eye some high-schooler in Brooklyn zipping by me on one of these?

    Uh…did I miss the part where you just put guys in their forties and fifties in high school? Or do you just write for jezebel.com….

    All I ask is, please consider if you’re going to look like an asshole on your $700 electric skateboard, because you probably will.

    My ZBoards were about fifteen hundred. Each. It’s cool, though: I wrote them off after you selfworshipping losers ordered me to pay my fair share.

    I found some solace in this thread titled “Are dudes on electric skateboards considered kooks by other skaters?”

    Translation: Someone, somewhere, maybe agrees with me; I’m smert now!!!1

    Responses included “thumbs down emoji,” “seems convenient for getting around for lazy people,”

    Crippled. Not lazy. Woof; woof; woof.

    True that. Get a real board, dweebs!

    I’ve got dozens: Santa Cruz; Birdhouse; prototypes from my own company; and then also ZBoards. Get a real job, Ableist.

    Have a webcomic:

    More later….

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