ZRM
FADE IN.
EXT. CEMETARY - NIGHT.
The moon is full, dogs yelp, and the camera zooms in on a sign that says Fairhill Cemetary.
Camera than angles through a few headstones, knocking one over.
CAMERAMAN
Sorry about that...
EXTRA ZOMBIE VOICE #1
You lousy kids...
Eirie music starts up and camera then goes to birds eye shot, then zooms in on Niel, an honor student that looks like the anonymous minimum wage teenager from the Simpsons, and his girlfriend, a goth chick named Mina...
NEIL
(Fading In)
What's the big deal, mina? Its cold and I gotta lot of homework to get done... and why are we in a cemetary? I don't want to sound whiney, but I don't know if I'm up for what you've got planned... whatever it is, lets just get it over with and go home
MINA
C'mon, it's like just past eight o'clock, and you've got like 500 points extra credit anyway... and I think this is the coolest place in town, anyway. Besides... being alone, with no one around... but us...
NEIL
What are you talking about? Im going home, Mina, I'll see you tomorrow.
Neil turns around and starts walking, while Mina pouts. Neil's walk turns into a jog, and then into a run, untill WHAM, he runs into the body...
...of the captain of every school sporting team, Harold
HAROLD
Well Well Well... look who decided to crash our little initiation? What do you think you're doing in a graveyard in the middle of the night? Didn't anyone tell you about the curse?
NEIL
Wha... Wha...Wait a minute... What the hell are you talking about? Initiation? There's nobody else here... and it's only 8:15... and what the *&^% does the curse have to do wi-
HAROLD
Shut the hell up, pansy ass. You talk too much.
The camera then switches to a frame with the high school football team in front of a large digital bank clock showing the time to be 12:00 midnight. The team then moves in behind Harold with menacing looks on their faces making threatening moves toward neil.
NEIL
Wher...ho...huh?
HAROLD
That's not important. You have three seconds to give me a reason why... wait a minute... screw it.
Stock footage from Wrestlemania
Neil gets beat up. The violence drifts off-screen, and then you hear... Harold scream? His screams are echoed by half a dozen others, and then you see Neil struggle out of the way. The camera then moves in on a zombie munchin down on some nutritious Harold spleen, and shortly thereafter zombies are eating the spleens of what is assumed to be the rest of the football team; they're so covered in blood, though, it's really hard to tell (This scene will be used later). Some song starts while Neil attempts to run while limping and partially blood covered back to his Girlfriend
MINA
What the hell happened?
NEIL
Never mind... We have to get the hell out of here...
MINA
Is it Harold and his friends again? Neil, you're going to have to stand up to him eventually...
NEIL
Mina... Harold is dead. His spleen was-
MINA
HOLY SHIT! YOU KILLED THE CLASS PRESIDENT!? Why the hell didn't you tell me you were going to do something that cool... his spleen too...
NEIL
No, Mina, I-
MINA
Never mind... we'd better go to my place and get you washed up...
Cheesy porn music slips in as scene fades to credits. (Bow chca bowwow)
INT. VILLAGE INN - NIGHT.
Camera goes through front door of VI in first-person view, then goes over to a table where Richard, a zombie expert who has seen way to much film for the frail human mind to handle, and Pickle, a video store clerk, having coffee and apparently waiting
RICHARD
(Fading In)
That's easy. Count Orlock was the main character in the 1922 film Nosferatu. Nicholas cage's production studio, saturn productions, did a quasi-remake of that movie called Shadow of the Vampire, in which the original was portrayed to have cast a real vampire for the lead role. Nicolas cage is in face off with John Travolta, who was with Christian Slater in Broken Arrow, who was with Kevin bacon in Murder in the First. 3 or 4 steps depending on how you look at it.
PICKLE
ummmm..... I just made that name up while looking at the clock. Why the hell do I play this game with you, anyway? Anyway, what time is it? I wanted to be at this cool haunted house at exactly 8:15 sharp.
Camera begins switching between solo shots of Richard and Pickle
RICHARD
Weren't you just staring at the clock?
PICKLE
Oh yeah...guess I was still to frustrated over that BS game to remember...man it's late, weren't Mina and Nick supposed to be here by now?
Shot of richard contains clear view of just outside resteraunt, where zombies are staring inside
RICHARD
Late? No, the clock's just blinking 12:00 because the power went out earlier... It's only like 8:30 on my watch. Besides, I think they were over at Fairhill for something...
EXTRA ZOMBIE VOICE #1
(filtered)
Guys, wait, we jumped the gun, it's only 8:30. Back to the graveyard.
Zombies leave, grumbling
BOBBY
Why don't you give Neil a call on his cell phone?
Camera pans out to earlier angle of table containing Richard, Pickle, and Bobby
PICKLE
Where the hell'd you come from?
RICHARD
Dude, he's been here the whole time... anyway, if you want to go to this haunted house so badly, why not just give him a call?
PICKLE
naah, it's to late now, the ghost is supposed to disappear at 9:00, and it's a half hour from here. Oh while Im thinking about it, my boss wants me to collect on all those late fees you piled up lately.
RICHARD
Dude, does anyone but me ever rent ANY of those movies?
PICKLE
no, but-
BOBBY
Look, guys, before you get to far into this for the 7th time tonight, there's something you should see
Play stock footage of guy being hit in stomach with a cannon ball
PICKLE
Forget it... sorry I brought it up, I'll just convince my boss to wave those late fees. Later.
Pickle leaves, and as he walks out, bumps into Murdock
PICKLE
Watch it, man
MURDOCK just keeps walking over to the table with BOBBY and RICHARD
WAITRESS, BELLHOP, ETC VOICE
Um.. Smoking or... right this w... coffee?
MURDOCK
Coffee. Sugar. thanks.
Murdock pulls in where pickle just was.
MURDOCK
Richard Heckler and Bobby Campbell, I presume? Come with me, you're the only ones who can save the world... after I get my coffee.
RICHARD
If I had a nickle every time I heard... hey wait a minute...I didn't rent this...who the hell are you?
MURDOCK
Never mind that. Look, in a little over three hours a legion of zombies is going to eat the spleens of everyone you know and tolerate, unless you do something to stop them.
RICHARD
And?
BOBBY
Spleens?
RICHARD
Copyright infringement. Personally, I think it's cool, I mean, there just aren't that many Zombies anymore. There's plenty of Vampires, ghosts, hell, even the invisible man made a comebask, but Zombies? noooo
BOBBY
So why are we doing this anyway? I mean, I can't think of anything cooler than everyone I know being eaten by zombies.
RICHARD
(in a slight whisper)Dude, I can't return ninety bottles of catsup and grenadine....
WAITRESS, BELLHOP, ETC VOICE
(pouring coffee) So can I get you anything?
RICHARD
Two hours, right on que. I'll have the chicken strips, with tobasco.
BOBBY
Yeah. Strips.
Murdock turns the lid of the coffeepot the waitress put on the table upside down and demonstrates that there's no more coffee
MURDOCK
Well, anyway, that's about everything I have. I can probably get any weapons you guys need, and-
RICHARD
Power tools. The only horror movies I've ever seen more than once have discarded power tools. Oh, and oatmeal; oatmeal makes zombies blow up like ketchup filled water ballons. None of that "Holy Water" crap; there's no way in hell I'm paying a dollar for a bottle of water, no matter where it comes from.
MURDOCK
How do you-
BOBBY
His late fees at the video store rival the national debt. 'Nuff said.
MURDOCK
Alright. I see why they sent me after you, so who the hell's bobby?
RICHARD
They?
MURDOCK
I said never mind about that
BOBBY
I can get any stock footage from any time period, by anyone, anywhere on the planet, ever.
MURDOCK
How is that possible?
BOBBY
Well, we live in Denver. Pay close attention to one of the Buildings we blow up later on.
RICHARD
So back to the subject of zombies. You realize this means I die exactly four scenes before this is all over, right?
MURDOCK
What do you mean?
RICHARD
C'mon. Not only am I the zombie expert who knows everything you never wanted to know about zombies and had too much of a life to find out about, but I'm apparently a main character. He always dies, regardless of budget or actor draw. Like that one with Corey Haines and that old voodo-salt guy...
BOBBY
So? You'll never have to pay off those late fees. Just think of it as the movie you don't have to pay for.
RICHARD
I know. It just seems too good to be true. Speaking of, I wonder how Pickle is doing over at Fairhil...
EXT. CEMETARY - NIGHT.
In the graveyard, we see Pickle bumping into stuff in the dark in an erie fashion. Erie music plays in the background, an erie animal runs past Pickle's legs, and Pickle seems to be acting downright eriely...
PICKLE
Yo, Niel? You guys still here?
OLD PROFET-FORTUNE TELLER-WRINKLY LADY
Your friennnnnnnnnds have forsssssssakkkkkkkkkk... kkk... huak...ptooo... forsaken you. (Cackling)
PICKLE
Damn, that's just like them. Thank's lady.
OLD PROFET-FORTUNE TELLER-WRINKLY LADY
Donnnn't you wannnnnt to knnnow your fortunnnnnnne?
PICKLE
Nnnnnnno. Who the hell are you, anyway?
OLD PROFET-FORTUNE TELLER-WRINKLY LADY
(cackles) All has happened, is happening, and will happen again...
PICKLE
Look, lady, I asked you a question. now either you tell me your name, or I whip out some whupass on your withered stringy ass.
OLD PROFET-FORTUNE TELLER-WRINKLY LADY
(Cackles) I am not important... oh forget it... look there's zombies and crap- never mind. Stupid kids, always have to learn the hard way. Have fun. hack hack
Old lady dissapears in a cloud of smoke
PICKLE
Whatever that was about. Those two are probably gettin it on back at her crib... Hey, what's this?
Camera zooms in on a football jersey
PICKLE
Hey, this is a football jersey from Daednu High school. That means... Man this is my lucky day! I finished my scavenger list! Those losers at the video store are gonna be on they KNEES! Hoooo!
CHRIS
I'd put that down if I were you.
PICKLE
Who the hell are you?
CHRIS
Chris hettfield. And I'd definitally reccomend putting that down. It belongs to a zombie, and he's getting up at exactly 12:00 P-
PICKLE
BELONGED to a zombie; it's mine now. I'm going home; have fun in the graveyard.
CHRIS
So... Will you take... the #32 jersey?
PICKLE
Well, yeah... Bye.
Radio noise
CHRIS
(Answering radio) This is chris.
MURDOCK
(broken up) kshhhhhhhhh Village kss In kshhhhhh Zombies ksshhhhhhh Coffee kshhhhhhh
CHRIS
It looks like I've once again entered... the world of survival horror...
INT. MINA'S HOUSE - NIGHT.
Camera shows front of Mina's house, then zooms in on adress. The camera then follows MINA and NIEL into the house, then pans quickly to MINA's parents, then back to the couple.
MINA
Hi mom, Hi dad. Listen, were back from the graveyard. The captain of the football team was there, and I think Niel ripped out his spleen or something. Oh, and at midnight tonight the dead are going to walk and destroy the town. Anyway, we're probably going to be gettin it on upstairs.
MINA'S MOM
That's nice dear.
MINA'S DAD
Keep the noise down, dear. There;s a fascinating documentary on the discovery channel on how the manufacturing process of Soap.
NEIL
Umm... Did you guys just hear what she said? Not that I min-
MINA'S DAD
Oh, Hi Niel! How's that acne clearing up?
MINA'S MOM
Shh... look... they're just getting to lye.
NEIL
Ummmm... ok. (whispers to Mina) What are your parents on?
MINA
(not whispering) PBS and lye. Let's go.
Camera goes to parent's watching TV. A door is heard closing, thumping and spring noises are heard, cheesy porn music starts up again, Mina moans, Niel begins to mutter "Souldn't I", followed by several muffled noises, then the words, in subtitle text, appear at the bottom of the screen "15 minutes later...". The camera is focused on MINA's parents watching the fascinating process of soap making the whole time.
MINA
Hey, I just remembered I had some thing to go to at VI. Niel's probably not going to be moving till sometime tommorow. Oh, and while I'm remembering, I got a tatoo, robbed a bank, and let three girraffes, two lions, and an elephant out of the zoo.
MINA'S MOM
That's nice dear. Have fun. Try to be back by 2:00; there's a Ghalager marathon coming on.
MINA
Actually I'm probably not coming back for a while. I'm probably gonna be watching the unholy zombie armies of the night destroy our town untill about 6:00 in the morning. And I might blow up the Qwest building.
MINA'S MOM
Well, suit yourself. We'll try to let you know what happens during ghalager. Just be careful...
MINA
Ummmm... usually stuff gets smashed and sprays the audience.
MINA'S DAD
Oh, honey, look- they're adding Whale brains as deoderant!
Muffled noise of Niel groaning upstairs, Mina leaves, and camera, still focused on Mina's parents, slowly fades out.
Screen blacks out, then a big 12:00 appears on the screen. Screen blacks out again, then the words Really This Time appear,
EXT. CEMETARY - NIGHT.
Zombies are coming out of their graves and forming together. Slowly, they begin to move toward the gates, when they are met with opposition...
RICHARD
(brandishing a power tool) Kids, this is the "gory" part of the film.
gory combat ensues, some of the zombies seem to be wearing football uniforms and a scene looks oddly familiar, then slicing, dicing, and budget blowing ensues. The word of the day is gore, and gallons of ketchup and chocolate syrup go everywhere, coupled with buckets of tofu shaped like human organs. The scene is not pretty, and the camera does not leave the scene clean. It should be noted that this is actually the last scene shot in the graveyard, as we are likely to book it before we have to clean up the mess...
RICHARD
hehehehehehehehehehehehehe yeahhhhhhh.....
MURDOCK
Um dude, some of the zombies got away.
CHRIS
They were last seen heading over to the house of Mina Ventrue...where Bravo team is unaware of the impending danger.
RICHARD
Then lets head down into that cellar... er ah down to their house, and carve ourselves a zombie.
EXT. MINA'S STREET - NIGHT.
Mina is getting into her car to head on over to the resteraunt. She then hears the noise of the moaning shuffling hoards of the undead. She looks down the street, as her Neighbor is getting into her car.
MINA
Hi Misses anderson. Where you headed to?
The zombies overtake Ms anderson, and she dies gorily
MINA
Holy shit! Neil, come quick! You have to see this...
Neil peers out of the window sleepily, and seeing the zombies, runs downstairs, grabs Mina who can't stop staring at the coolness and raw beauty of it all, looks at the car, then at a Van, and puts Mina in the van. He then starts to get into the van, when he sees something yet cooler happening, as the other characters arrive and start destroying the budget of the film some more, despite hideous reuse of previous scenes.
MURDOCK
Get in. Ill drive.
MINA
In the back with me bitch.
The van drives through a bunch of zombies on the way out of the scene.
EXT. THIRD BRIDGE - NIGHT.
Fade in to view of van driving near third bridge. Subtitle "Third Bridge" on bottom of screen to make sure audience gets the point. After 1/4 mile, shot goes to INT. VAN
MURDOCK
(driving) Alright, everyone, keep your eyes peeled.
RICHARD
Lets see... scene 5... keep eyes... Were about to meet two supporting characters! One of them even ends up a zombie the next time we meet them!
NEIL
What the hell arummppphhhh
Mina, sitting next to harold in the back seat, forces harolds head downwards in her direction
CHRIS
Wait, I thought this is where we crash and end up running into the mansion- well, everyone except murdock because he's driving.
MURDOCK
(speeding up) Will you guys shut up? I just meant that it's 12:00 an-
Murdock is interupted by the sounds of wailing sirens. Camera shows scene from superman II of cops getting out of car; the people getting out, of course, look nothing like the characters in our little movie-like project
MURDOCK
Damn it.
RICHARD
Told ya.
TASKER
Do you have any idea how fast you were going? Don't answer that, you were going to fast. Period. What if there was a cow crossing the street? Or a stampede? Did you ever think of that? Do you even have a permit for that? Out of the car. Im going to have to see your licence, proof of insurance, and any driving, cow tippin, or skateboarding permits you may have.
Stock footage of that guy from cops who always gets busted wearing a t-shirt and watching TV with a beer in his living room
MURPHY
You wants I should read them their rights, tasker?
TASKER
Murphy, do you like parade detail? Because that's what happened to you last time you opened your mouth while we were supposed to be giving people a ticket. Do you even have a permit for that? Because I can revoke your speaking permit right now. Just... go... play with the sirens or something.
MURPHY
Well, gollee, tasker. I just got my speaking permit back this mornin', at the diner, when we were orderin' grub. I don't wanna lose it now.
TASKER
Then never say 'golly' again.
MURDOCK
Look, I don't have much time. We're kinda being chased by legions of the undead and-
TASKER
Yeah, that's what they all say. Alright,I'll let you go with a standard bribe on this one, but I'll have to confiscate your skateboards. And don't let me catch you speeding on this road again. Damn kids.
Six skateboards obidiently come out of the car
MURPHY
Uh tasker, about the unde-
TASKER
Do you miss being in the academy, murphy? Because, it's showing.
MURPHY
Well, goll-
TASKER
Fork it over.
Murphy hands tasker a piece of paper with the words SPEAKING PERMIT in large letters
TASKER
Alright You kids are free to go; don't do anything my partner would do.
Murdock gets back into car and starts driving
RICHARD
Well, that went predictably well. Why are we here, anyway? I mean, we have no real logical reason, other than setting, to be over here at third bridge, anyway.
BOBBY
(suddenly in the scene) Because this is where the zombies are going. And don't ask any dumb questions about us trying to run away from them.
RICHARD
Still, there aren't any zombies in this scene anyway- oh wait, there is one
Car goes over a large bump and interior shakes
CHRIS
What was that?
MINA
(holding niels head) Wasn't us.
RICHARD
No, that was the zombie. Let's just go.
Camera goes to exterior of car as it drives off, then focuses in on the zombie that got run over
EXTRA ZOMBIE VOICE #1
(ghasping) Da...mn..huh..k...ids
Screen fades to Black. "Meanwhile" appears on the scene.
EXT. MINA'S HOUSE - NIGHT.
Camera, in Res-style zombie cam mode, goes around a residential street corner, up the street a little ways, then up a driveway, then toward the front door, looks at the house number, then focuses in on an undead hand opening the door. Screen fades to black, then fades in to INT. MINA's HOUSE, where a zombie enters the house. Mina's parents don't seem to notice the world outside of public broadcasting.
MINA'S DAD
Hi, Mina. You're home early. Ghalager is almost on.
EXTRA ZOMBIE VOICE #1
Grrrr. Arrrrgh.
MINA'S MOM
Oh Hi, Niel. Still helping our Mina with her studies, I see. Well, there's some condiments in the fridge if you want them.
EXTRA ZOMBIE VOICE #1
GRRRRRR. ARRRRRRGH.
MINA'S DAD
Honey, look, the origins of soap! I had no idea animal sacrifice could be so clean! We should remember that next time we do laundry.
EXTRA ZOMBIE VOICE #1
Grrrrrrrumble
OTHER ZOMBIES
(outside)Spleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeens
EXTRA ZOMBIE VOICE #1
Spleeeeeeeens!
MINA'S MOM
That's right dear! They remove the spleens before they sacrifice the bodies. Then, when the animal is burned, the lye is actually washed downstream, and becomes soap! I had no idea you were interested in PBS. Come watch TV with us.
The zombie first looks at the fridge, then at the parents, figures them for fellow zombies, and sits down and watches TV
INT. CHERRY CREEK MALL - NIGHT.
Camera then fades into Cherry Creek Mall, near center, where that huge ^&*()*^ christmas tree sometimes is. 50s pre-movie infomercial music is playing as camera focuses in on random happy people wandering about the various shops. After about as much of this as the normal human being can stand, the camera zooms in on one of the doors where the zombies are begining to enter.
OTHER ZOMBIES
Grrr...Arrrgh...
One of them breaks the glass in a door and breaks in to the mall
OTHER ZOMBIES
Grrrr...Arrrrgh
People continue to shop, apparently unnaware of their impending doom
EXTRA ZOMBIE VOICE #1
Grrrrrr.... Find main power unit.... how come no one eolse talk...arggghhhhh
OTHER ZOMBIES
Grrrrr... (some of them shrug shoulders)...argh...Spleeeeeeeeeennnnnnnnnn...
The zombies begin to wander off in random directions; two walk into eachother and fall down, still attempting to drag their legs and move their arms and making zombie noises.
EXTRA ZOMBIE VOICE #1
Umm...maybe eat brai-oh,copyright...spleeeeeeeen...
By some miracle of fate, the power to the mall shuts off. No zombies actually left the spleen... I mean scene... This is basically impossible, but this was never meant to make sense.
EXTRA ZOMBIE VOICE #1
SPPPLLEEEEEEEEEN! No POWER! The humans are defensless!
OTHER ZOMBIES
grrrr......arrrrrgh.....
EXTRA ZOMBIE VOICE #1
What happen.....
Same 50's informecial music keeps playing; people keep shopping, despight the power loss. No one seems to notice the zombies munchin on the spleens; they're all too self involved with their all-too-important shopping to bother.
OTHER ZOMBIES
Someone set us up the spleen. We get kidney...
(no response)
EXTRA ZOMBIE VOICE #1
Ahh... Ill just flash back to the previous scene
The scene goes back to Mina's house; the zombie-cam goes up to the front door, where Richard is waiting
RICHARD
OK, I realize this isn't the best movie ever made, but I refuse to subject the audience to any flashback, whatsoever. They sucked in Rocky horror, thus they sucked in every movie ever made. Period.
EXTRA ZOMBIE VOICE #1
What if we all started dancing while the main characters started sing-
RICHARD
NO. We're not a musical. We're not a murder mystery. We're not science fiction. We are bad hack-and-slash campy horror, and we are a dying breed. If you want a fucking song, go work for Disney. If you want flashbacks, do some stupidity with vampires or immortals or Ronald Reagan or something. But not in this film. Do you like your job, extra zombie voice #1? Because you're damn close to being a main character, and there's lots of extras here. Now hang your head in shame and pan back to the mall. If the scene's dragging on, just blow something up.
The zombie gets that sad puppy look, and the scene goes back to Cherry Creek mall. The camera then flashes to some stock footage of a time bomb counting down, then back to the building.
RICHARD
(v.o.)
Not on our budget, pal.
The scene switches to a scale model of a few buildings made out of old milk cartons with a big sign that says "The Mall" in sloppy handwriting. That gets blown up.
RICHARD
(wearing a bussiness suit in an office-looking room)I would like to formally apologize to the audience for the preceding sequence, which was left in the film as a means of pointing out just how much jokes about the film within the film suck and to express certain opinions designed to get me hated by noteworthy directors and thus boost ratings of the film. Thank you, and please attempt to enjoy the rest of the film.
INT. MINA'S HOUSE - NIGHT.
MINA
Hi mom..... we're... home?
18 zombies are sitting around the television with Mina's Parents, apparently unharmed but still not really moving, watching PBS.
MINA'S DAD
Oh Hi dear. We were just watching TV with a couple of your friends.
OTHER ZOMBIES
Spleeeeen.
MINA'S MOM
That's right! and over there is the pancreas. I had no Idea you were all so well informed. Shh... he's about to report on the auropsy
MINA
Uhm mom, those aren... well they were my friends but.. uh...
NEIL
Miss ventrue, you're surrounded by the unholy legions of the Undead.
MINA'S MOM
Language, dear! Just because they're in a different clique than you doesn't mean you can go around insulting the guests in my home.
BOBBY
Lets...just...leave them alone for right now.
Everyone goes into the kitchen, except for richard who begins to sit down. Everyone goes back out and grabs richard.
MURDOCK
alright so what are we going to do now? Aside from the zombies watching the autopsy, I've just gotten word that a bunch of zombies have infiltrated the Cherry Creek Mall.
RICHARD
Word? from who?
MURDOCK
I said never mind about that.
CHRIS
We need the sheild key to get into the mall...
ALL
WHAT?
CHRIS
Rent-a-cops. Their badges look like shields and they carry keys.
RICHARD
Nice save. Personally, I think the solution is simple. We blow up the mall.
MURDOCK
We cant just...well
NEIL
But it's... still...
MINA
The entire mall?... although...
BOBBY
Are you nuts? well yeah, but.....
MURDOCK
Alright... we'll blow up... the cherry creek mall. Wait, we CAN get away with this, right?
RICHARD
Who cares? This is film. They blew up the white house, didn't they?
MINA
Alright, Im gonna go tell mom.
Mina goes into the living room.
MINA
Ill be back in a little while, mom. We're going to blow up the cherry creek mall.
MINA'S MOM
Have fun deeawwwWHAT?
Everyone turns and looks at Mina
MINA'S MOM
uhhh... Mina, how'd you get so big? And why are you dressed like that? Dear, look at our little Mina! How old are you now?
MINA
Mom, you've been watching PBS since we moved here in 92
MINA'S DAD
Well.... have fun... did she just say she was going to blow up the mall?
MINA'S MOM
uhhh.... uhh.. oh look, the Autopsy is done. It really was rabies the whole time.
Everyone goes back to looking at the TV
EXT. THIRD BRIDGE - NIGHT.
MURDOCK
Well here we are. Everyone out. Were looking for something...dead.
MINA
Wow, another burial ground. This must be my lucky day! We don't have to be anywhere for a while, do we? Hey, were'd Niel go?
Niel's scream is heard in the distance
Everyone goes over to see wtf happened
MINA
Rock On, Niel! You killed someone else! Can you call me over beforehand next time, babe?
NEIL
Uhh... he was like this when I got here.
Everyone stares at the mangled body of Pickle
CHRIS
It's Pickle from the local video store.
Now he's just a shadow of his former self...
RICHARD
Dude stop that we're gonna get sued
CHRIS
Im just reading the script like you asked
RICHARD
Alright I know I brought that one on myself, but no more jokes about the film by the actors. Even if I was dumb enough to leave it in the script.
Everyone is still staring at the corpse
MURDOCK
Ya know, the zombie that did this is probably somewhere close-
MINA
Babe, did you remember your camera? Could you maybe lay down next to the body?
The camera goes to zombie cam at this point, as a zombie walks up toward the disturbed and disturbing individuals
NEIL
Yeah I have the camera right here, but do I really have to?
RICHARD
Will you two just sto-wait what am i saying? Less talking more staring at the corpse.
MURDOCK
Look the zombie is heading up the hill toward us right now. Is ANYONE going to deal with it?
CHRIS
I hope this isn't... Pickle's blood.
BOBBY
You people are acting like this is the first time you've seen a dead body.
RICHARD
Well, yeah... this close anyway. Check this out (begins to move pickles jaw) "Im gonna send out a hit on you if you don't pay your late fees. blah blah blah."
BOBBY
Have you no respect for the dead?
MINA
Yeah move so Niel can lay there.
MURDOCK
Ahh dammit people.
Murdock begins to storm off toward the zombie. Camera switches to zombie cam, where Murdock comes into view. Niel then comes running in front of Murdock and stumbles into zombie cam. Puking noises are then heard, followed by the zombie's screams. None of the yarfing is inflicted on the audience.
MURDOCK
er.... I get it. I stormed off at the wrong time AGAIN.
Everyone's attention turns toward the horrible noises.
MINA
Holy shit Niel! You can't go 5 minutes without killing someone! Keep em coming, baby.
RICHARD
Huh? oh yeah zombies and oatmeal dont mix. Our secret weapon is someone lame enough to eat a well balanced diet. Well, Im going to go back to the corpse that wasn't vomited on.
Pickle begins to twitch.
MURDOCK
Well Im not gonna leave here without killing someone.
The scene changes, and whatever cool power tool we have the budget for somehow appears in Murdock's hand, after which he proceeds to go shop class on pickle.
MURDOCK
Alright. Lets go.
everyone starts off back toward the van. the scene changes to the van, where everyone but Mina and Niel are waiting.
NEIL
(shouting in the distance) Wait for us!
Neil and Mina show up at the van drenched in blood.
NEIL
just... dont ask.
CHRIS
don't tell.
Everyone drives off. One last shot of the corpse. Dwelling on the corpse. Camera then looks up to where the van was, then back at the corpse momentarily, then starts moving toward where the van was and fades out. Some cursing is heard, and the camera just switches to some stock footage from an old episode scooby doo with the mystery van.
EXT. CHERRY. CREEK. MALL. - NIGHT.
(god why am I doing this? oh ok thanks.)
The scene fades completely to black, then the words appear in typewriter fashion in large stencil font, CHERRY CREEK MALL. (new line) BECAUSE WE CAN.
MURDOCK
Well, here we are. The explosives have been set. We're about to blow up the Cherry Creek Mall. Does anyone have anything to say?
RICHARD
Not really, but I brought popcorn. By the way, we need to blow up the Qwest building later.
ALL
ummm...
BOBBY
Someone's rented independance day recently, haven't we?
RICHARD
Actually it was fight club on cable. I avoid the New Release section.
A cop car pulls up
TASKER
You kids here to cause trouble? And what's that sulphery smell?
RICHARD
Naah. Where just blowmmmmmph
richard is hit in the jaw by murphy for 8 damage.
MURPHY
Yous best be shuttin yer trap if ya knows whats good fer ya.
BOBBY
The man has a point.
MURPHY
Did I sayyyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh
Murphy is slowly dragged off screen by a lone zombie. Tasker takes a look at Murphy, sighs, then looks back at the arsonists.
TASKER
Well, I'd like to do something, but I dont have a knife, for as we all know, money... never mind. Do you kids have a permit for sitting there? What about a cordite permit? Or a C4 permit? Or a................... are you planning to blow up the mall? I can't let... still... um... Do you have a permit for that?
MURDOCK
yeah, right here (shows nuclear weapons permit to the ocifer)
TASKER
Well... ok. Pass me some of that popcorn.
everyone gets situated and prepared for the detonation.
camera shows the cherry creek mall, then a crappy model being destroyed, then stock footage of a nuclear explosion. Scene actually changes to a construction site here, but is still referred to for all intents and purposes as cherry creek mall.
MURDOCK
Well, thats it then. We just blew up the mall. Anyone for coffee?
Everyone starts heading back to the van. Tasker gives everyone a look and starts back to his police car. Just then, some of the rubble starts shifting and Murphy emerges in full zombie makeup (as always, budget allowing)
MURPHY
Braaaiii-
TASKER
Dammit tasker get it right. It's spleen. Although you COULD use some of those brains, now that i think about it...
MURPHY
Braaa..er..s..sp...spleen?
TASKER
That's it. Murphy, you're voted out of the movie.
MURPHY
Spleen?
RICHARD
The tribe hath spoken.
Murphy is escorted off by two unnamed security officers and replaced with extra zombie voice #1
EXTRA ZOMBIE VOICE #1
Spleeeeeeeeeens...
MURDOCK
Aright now its time to bust this thing up
NEIL
But hes a cop...
MINA
Ahh you can't hog all of em baybe...
Lets kick some undead ass.
Oh, by the way, none of my friends will ever find out I said that, 'k?
Stock footage starts, then stops, and the indescribable beauty of a human being getting the living shit beat out of him slowly replaces the footage of a man being devoured by sharks. Violence, in its most raw and beutiful form, takes the place of dialogue, and halfway through the officer's billy club is removed, and used on him. The zombie, however, doesn't go down, but lays in a bloody pulp.
MURDOCK
Why (ugh) arent (kick) you (ugh) dead (kick) yet?
Richard produces a power tool out of nowhere, and goes to town on the zombie. Much of the effects budget is blown, and gore ruins a perfectly good camera. The voice of the camera man is heard muttering phrases of disgust under his breath, and the scene changes abrubtly to a clean set
BOBBY
What was that all about?
RICHARD
Why are you people always like that? I suggest blowing up a building, and I get "are you sure? is this the right thing? bla bla bla". I go slaughterhouse on a zombie, its the same thing. Look, powertools and oatmeal are the only ways to- oh sorry bout that neil
Richard is still going off on a zombie while he is speaking, and when the camera pans down, he is slicing and dicing a rotting puddle of catsup and chocolate syrup
Neil vomits a lot
Mina then vomits a lot
chris vomits a lot
tasker vomits a lot
Murdock finally gives in and vomits a lot
Bobby attempts to vomit a lot
RICHARD
Er... was it something I said?
the camera crew vomits a lot
RICHARD
Er...so...where to next?
CHRIS
We should figure out who's behind this; My money's on an evil megacorporation, with a logo in the shape of an umbr-
RICHARD
So who's up for Coffee at Dennys?
Scene slowly fades out...
MUCH vomiting
INT. DENNYS - NIGHT.
MURDOCK
So... we dealt with the zombies at the mall, but chris has a point; we need to take out the people responsible for all of this. Which means, we need to take out Qwest communications.
RICHARD
Told ya
NEIL
But we never actually figured out that it was Qwest; how'd you know that it was?
MURDOCK
I SAID, ___ NEVER ___ MIND ___ ABOUT ___ THAT.
BOBBY
So how do we go about taking out qwest communications? And how do we get all the rest of the zombies in the building?
RICHARD
Ahh shit, here it comes.
Richard indescribably picks up his oatmeal and spills it on the back of his shirt
ALL
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
RICHARD
Just keep talking dont worry bout it. Oh and bobby, you may wanna sit opposite from me at the table
BOBBY
Um...right.
MINA
So when do we get to blow up another building? Im getting bored... Neil, could you kill our waiter?
NEIL
Mina... Guys, how do we take out all these zombies anyway? And where do they come from?
RICHARD
(sigh). Alright, listen: There's three things you MUST know about these zombies: First, they are slower than a snail on prozac. They'll fall for just about anything you throw at them. Second, C4, for all intents and purposes, counts as power tools. And don't look too closely at the C4 itself; its not playdough, it is C4, period. Lastly (cringe), the zombies were created when---owwwwww bye folks.
Richard downs his coffee, then falls onto the table dead, as a zombie is seen behind him with a good bight out of his spleen. Oatmeal flies everywhere, the zombies die, and none of it goes near bobby. Two more zombies take the oppurtunity to grab the only person not covered in oatmeal, bobby, and take him out the door, presumably to eat him. Everything quiets down, and conversation resumes.
MURDOCK
Well, that just sucks. Im stuck with the creepy...um....homowner.....ill morals guy, Mr kills stuff a lot, and his leash owner, Miss nympho. Where's my coffee?
NEIL
Look... about my girlfriend...
MINA
Shutup neil... Murdock, richard said the zombies were stupid, right? Maybe we could lure them in to the building somehow...
CHRIS
How are we going to do that? There arent too many zombies that can even open doors...wait a minute...
Chris finds a note in Richards hand
CHRIS
Will you take... Richard's Note?
NEIL
Well, you're the one that grabbed it.
CHRIS
(after reading the note) I now know how to destroy all the zombies. Richard's note has been filed.
NEIL
Does it say... where they came from?
MURDOCK
What part of never mind about that don't you understand?
CHRIS
DUH! what just happened to richard, when HE tried to tell you? Im not dumb or anything. Jeeze.
MURDOCK
Aright, chris, I guess you're leading the way. Lets move out.
MINA
A, Me and neil need to use the restroom, and B, your coffee just got here.
NEIL
Um.... baby, you want me to come to the girls room with you?
MINA
Oh shutup neil, come on.
Mina and neil exit, stage left
MURDOCK
Well, you realize Im going to have to burn that note, don't you?
CHRIS
Well, it- (sensing the interruption) I know, I know, nevermind about that.
MURDOCK
The only thing I don't get is, why was richard's coffee here the whole time, and the rest of us just now got coffee; I mean don't the waiters usu-
Instantaneous fade to black for scene change
EXT. PARKING LOT - NIGHT.
TASKER
Now, just out of curiousity, How exactly did you kids plan on getting C4?
MURDOCK
We were going to break into a government facility of course, thats how its always done.
CHRIS
Which one?
MURDOCK
The DMV. They're easy to break into.
TASKER
Do you have a permit for that?
Murdock produces a breaking into the department of motor vehicles permit
TASKER
Aright, Ill see you all later then. Drive safe, and all that.
Tasker goes back to the cop car with stuff he jacked from the set
INT. DMV - NIGHT.
Stock footage of PD from terminator, last action hero, etc.
MURPHY
It's quiet... too quiet.
CHRIS
Whats weird is that there's no line at the DMV.
After sneaking around, Murdock finds a door to a closet packed with C4. He turns around, and there are zombies in the DMV. The graveyard fight scene is replayed in full here, then the scene goes back to the DMV as if it was never left.
MURDOCK
Alright, We got what we came here for, lets take off.
EXTRA ZOMBIE VOICE #1
Spleeeeennnnn.......
MURDOCK
Weren't you turned into a puddle?
EXTRA ZOMBIE VOICE #1
I was cop then this now times change.
Murdock and tasker just leave.
EXTRA ZOMBIE VOICE #1
SPLEEEEENNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN.
(defeated tone in his voice) Spleen.
EXT. THE QWEST BUILDING - NIGHT.
The cars are.... you know what? fuck it. Whatever footage of the qwest building gets taken, Im rolling with. Now, the actual filming is going to be done inside of whatever building environment I can ACTUALLY film in, but I cant get busted for any outside shots, which will be on location.
MURDOCK
We all set with the sign?
CHRIS
Everything is ready, just waiting bravo team to return.
MURDOCK
Bravo team? Oh you mean the two that dissapeared into the restroom... I was planning on the zombies following them here anyway.
TASKER
Hey, what are you kids up to? Blowing up a building again?
MURDOCK
Holy shit, where'd you come from?
footage of a road block from driver
TASKER
We were here the whole time, and Im not going to be the one to screw up richards little film thing; By the way, you still owe me a pack of smokes... So anyway, I figured I'd come and watch another building go down.
RICHARD
Dammit people, I wrote myself out of this shit early, and you people are STILL doing it. Look, do you know how much vodka went into this script?
MURDOCK
Uh dude, we're rolling
TASKER
ummmmmmmmmmmm........ Oh look, richard has come back from the dead, but he's dying from oatmeal or whatever the stupidity is...look...hes melting...sweet fucking jesus... where were we?
thumbs up passes on front of the camera; tasker mouths two packs now and holds up two fingers
MURDOCK
Well, we're preparing for the invasion, and.... what the hell is that?
Dramatic music, cars being overturned from some independance day like film, and zombies figurines being marched through a feild of cars, and then the zombies in the scene with murdock, tasker, and chris
Murdock, Tasker, and Chris all whip out super soakers, then paintball stuff, then hand to hand combat weapons, then throwing coins, unload all the ranged weapons on the masses, and then charge toward the zombies. The scene then goes to a bunch of downed zombies, and a couple of upright ones, which get the crap kicked out of them, this time without stock footage untill..
BOBBY
Am I late?
MURDOCK
(the fighting has stopped, as if it had never been happening) How the hell did you get here?
BOBBY
Oh that? I've been a zombie for like 10 years. Just didn't wanna say anything, because it doesn't make me too popular with the chicks. Anyway, they explained it was a big misunderstanding, and they let me go.
CHRIS
But usually zombies end up a flesh eating shadow of their former selves...
BOBBY
Oh that? I smoke now, thats all. By the way, kids, smoking may cause cancer, but it also prevents ulcers and helps with parkinsons disease, so go ahead and light up.
CHRIS
Well, I dont like the way they smell, but without them this film would have never been made, so
MURDOCK
Isn't smoking good for a variety of other stomach problems as well?
TASKER
Yeah, actually, I can attest to that personally. More importantly, it lowers your blood pressure, and makes you look fucking cool.
MURDOCK
Well, I guess if people walk away with this movie with anything, It'll be a pack of camel wides.
ALL
Cheesy End-of-a-G I Joe episode laugh
HAROLD
Well, now we know
RICHARD
And knowing is half the battle... whoops
CHRIS
Well, shall we clear the building?
MURDOCK
Let's do it, eh?
TASKER
AND CHRIS
Let's do it!
footage from the Matrix, which WILL get me sued or ban this film from arthouses everywhere, or better, time and budget allowing, a cheesy remake of the scene using our own stuff. I lean toward the second.
MURDOCK
Whelp, time to plant the C4.
Propellorheads Spygroove playing while sticking play-dough to various walls around the set, with little mickey mouse watches in them
the scene progresses like the eviction scene from dirty work, or the like
BOBBY
Guys, its just about time. I hear the zombies coming.
Neil is carrying Mina, and looks like his back is sore. The legions of the undead aren't far behind, and seem to be wearing football jearseys and be in a cemetary, but no one will notice.
TASKER
Well, its time we finished this gig.
Everyone runs out of the building, meets up with mr and ms boinklepounce, and runs around to the back of the building to pull on a rope. The scene then goes to the front of the building, where a flag reading all your base are belong to us flashes for a sec, then the zombies are shown confused without enought time for the sign to be really noticed, then back to a sign that reads free spleen.
OTHER ZOMBIES
Spleeeeeeennnnnnnnnnnnn.......
The zombies head on in, every last one of them, after which a little bit of time passes.
CHRIS
Wait a minute, I just realised something... We dont have a detonator for the C4, how were we planning on destroying the building?
TASKER
Ummmmmmm.......... (3 fingers) You see-
MURDOCK
Its alright I got it covered. Ill be right back.
Murdock makes and lights a molotov cocktail. The scene shifts, and he throws a single hand grenade into the building. He then runs from the explosion cinematically, as the building is completely destroyed.
MURDOCK
Goodbye qwest, and take your damn $.35 a phone call with you.
CHRIS
Wait a minute, the C4 was'nt even on this floor, and the explosion wouldn't have done anything anyway...
MURDOCK
Um..... sure it does. Or I spilled a little bit of lighter fluid or something? Look, at least we didnt do the stupid thing leprechaun did, with the well...
Tasker is leaving with directors chairs and other jacked merch
TASKER
Um bye kids, its been fun... KORR, Im ready
KORR pulls up, Tasker gets into the car, the night rider theme plays, and Tasker drives off.
MURDOCK
Well, is that it? Finally, bout time... heeeeyyyyyyy ladies...
A bunch of chicks just show up in a car, run over to murdock, and they all get into a car (actually entering in one side and leaving out the other, but the camera only shows one side), after which Murdock gets in; the same thing exactly happens again, and bobby gets in another car. Mina then grabs Neil by the wrist, goes around the building, and shouts SAY MY NAME after about three seconds. Just then, the obligotory horror movie scene happens...
EXTRA ZOMBIE VOICE #1
SPLEEEEEENNNNNNNN!
No one cares
FADE OUT.
THE END.
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