Posted by Damien [24.159.232.32 - 24-159-232-32.jvl.wi.charter.com] on 25 September 2003 at 04.14.19 ZuluTime:

Okay, so it is a sunny day. A bit on the cool side, but that actually pleasantly offsets the heat from the sun. I'm walking to my favority study area, fresh out of my chemistry lecture. I was hoping to get a chance to study my plant biology lab printout before I actually went to lab in an hour or so. Then I ran into...them.

There were seven of them. A husband, a wife, some nun-looking lady, and four innocent, but mentally abused children. They were smack dab in the middle of MY FAVORITE STUDY SECTION. Strutting about like a vulture on severe growth hormones, the lady (who I couldn't help but compare to the Wicked Witch of the West, both in tone of voice, physical appearance, and the stooped manner in which she stood) was screaming semi-coherently about how everyone was going to hell, except for her. She was doing this less than TEN FEET from my favorite table.

As it was such a nice day, I decided to entertain their perverted whims and spend a little time listening to their antagonistic schpeil. When she expounded on how all gays (which you aren't supposed to call gays, by the way, you are supposed to call them, and I quote, "AH-BAAHL-MI-NAAIIYSHUNS!!"), I held my tongue. When she said that 'evolutionists', abortionists, people who kiss before getting married, people who have sex and don't feel guilty, handicapped people, and people who wear sunglasses were going to hell, I held my tongue. When she said that people who listen to rock and roll are going to hell, I lost it.

Of course, by this time, a rather bemused crowd had formed about her, and some were having a rather fun time by repeating certain of her actions. This needs a little explanation. This lady had a mode of speach that would make a drama teacher blush in shame. Every time she would start talking about hell, her voice would assume a pitch that could theoretically shatter glass, if it weren't so damned raspy (insert the wicked witch laugh here). Certain keywords of hers, such as "fire", "hell", "burn", "sin", etc, would be cues for her to adopt a ridiculous stance, and pantomime flames, or a disapproving, waggling finger, or, the funniest/most tragic, a gnashing of teeth and wailing.

As I was saying, it was about this time I decided to join in the "conversation". By this time, several groups of people had left in disgust as she told them they were going to hell for not joining her delusion. I asked her where it said in the bible that people who listened to rock and rap where going to hell. (On a side-note, she claimed that Will Smith, yes, Will Smith, was going to hell for being a rapper.) I didn't recieve an answer, or even an acknowledgement. I asked again, again I was ignored. I rose my voice slightly, asking her why she wasn't willing to tell me where exactly to look for this verse. This time, she told me she would answer my questions later.

At about this time, someone asked her why, if she was a christian, she had so much hate within her. She replied that she was showing extreme love by saving us from eternal damnation. The guy who had asked, then asked her if she would show a little more love by giving him a hug, he walked towards her, arms spread. Her reaction was comical, she immediately skittered away, saying she had more important things to do. Then it got funnier.

Another guy in the crowd said that he would be willing to show more love than her, and got up and hugged the first guy, right in front of her. By this time the crowd was giving the people brave enough to challenge her chronically skewed opinions a standing ovation.

After that, she continued, with the appropriate amount of heckling and laughs from the audience, to tell us about how she was right and we all were wrong, and that she was going to "resurrect our consciousness" so that we would turn to Jesus. After saying this, she embarked on an insanely long and boring story about how she was an evil sinner like us, and met a preacher, who told her blahblahblah. About this time, I asked her if she could hurry up and get to the resurrection, as I had to go to class in about five minutes. Her reply was kind of vague, but had something to do with how college education is a 'mind rape'.

To make a long story short, she never did get around to answering any questions, but rather, thrust her poor daughter into harm's way, announcing that she would be singing us a song. Oh joy. Sensing that the entertainment was drawing to a close, I announced to her and the immediate crowd that though I would love to hear the, ahem, "music", I unfortunately had to go have my mind raped at my satanic, hell bound, biology lab.