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From The Desk Of
My name is Barrister Edward Saliu. I am a practicing attorney with my Chambers at 26 Sobo Arobiodu Road, Surulere, Lagos, Nigeria. I seek your assistance to bring a pending transaction to a logical conclusion.
Barr Edward Saliu
Mr. Clive D Prescott
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Which, of course, falls under this line in the disclaimer: Unsolicited EMail [spam] received by Gremlin will be assessed a $500 annoyance fee, in accordance with current antispam laws; all submissions automatically become the property of gremlin.net and cannot be returned.
Of course, I replied immediately:
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That is good news. As a barrister, you'll realise that current antispamming laws entitle me to bill you US$500 for sending me this without my permission.
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I'm sure that will get some results out of our friend the 'barrister' here....
In other news, I'm still working on 97D.com. It's going to take a while to write an infinite number of entries into the Encyclopaedia Expurgatia [expurgated though they might be]; but it's a start. If anyone wants to help with that, feel free.
I guess that's about it. More la--
Y'know...I should probably read this thing, since our friendly neighbourhood 'barrister' took the time to spam me with it, and all....
Ahem....
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From The Desk Of
My name is Barrister Edward Saliu.
I take it your friends just call you Barry then?
I am a practicing attorney with my Chambers at 26 Sobo Arobiodu Road, Surulere, Lagos, Nigeria.
You're the one who rented that dump? I never thought they'd get the blood off the ceiling....
I seek your assistance to bring a pending transaction to a logical conclusion.
Is this about my five hundred bucks?
About four years ago, a client bearing Mr. David Prescott briefed me form Canada but residing in Port Harcourt, one of the crude oil producing cities in Nigeria.
How far had he borne Mr. David Prescott? And what did Mr. David Prescott weigh?
He forwarded documents to me claiming to have concluded certain turn around maintenance (TAM) on the Port Harcourt oil refinery and was been owed the sum of $20,320,000.00. (Twenty million three hundred and twenty thousand United States dollars) by the federal government of Nigeria.
Good luck: Nigeria was been ain't got that much.
I was briefed to legally assist in ensuring that the funds were paid.
You want I should was been his kneecaps, Boss?
I was to get a legal fee of 5% of the total sum at the release of the funds to Mr. David Prescott.
So? I was been going to be a fighter pilot; but I'm too tall to fit into their planes. Shit happens.
About a year ago Mr. David Prescott was involved in a motor accident at portharcort and unfortunately lost his life.
Where did he see it last?
Ever since then, my office has tried contacting any next of kin of his for over a year but to no avail.
Ever since then, you've tried to contact someone for over a year. Exactly how often are you trying to contact them for over a year? Bear in mind that every time you try to contact someone for over a year, it's going to take a year to do it. Maybe you should cut back and try to contact them for over an hour; then, try again.
From our investigations we found out that he had resided in Nigeria for over 20 years and so has lost touch with any relatives of his.
And we know that your investigations are faultless; how else could you have concluded that I have anything to do with this....
Infact, he has no next of kin.
Hang on: he lost touch with existing relatives, but he has no next of kin? You're lying to me, aren't you....
The issue now at stake is that I have been able to successfully process Mr. David Prescott's contractual payment in his name, as I received a letter for him from a government designated banking institution that an account has been opened in his name (Mr. David Prescott) and his owed funds has been paid into the said account.
His owed funds has been paid. Meaning that you got your million bucks, right? So...good. Bye now....
Considering that my client is dead, I have no means of being paid for my legal services rendered over the past four years, hence my need for a partner who would claim the said funds as the next of kin after collecting and transferring the funds on our behalf, pay me my legal fees and an extra 70% of the total fund,20% would be for you and 10% forany expenses which may be incurred in the process of the transfer.
Erm...you lost me there. Your client is dead; you can't figure out how to get your money; you need a partner to...what, commit fraud by claiming to be related to a guy who has no next of kin? And you want me to be this guy, and all I get for it is four million? You have no idea who you just EMailed, have you....
Hence my searching for a foreign partner who I would introduce as the next of kin of Mr. David Prescott and who could assist me in transferring the funds.
Uh-huh. So...lemee make sure I've got this: I take the time to go to Nigeria, of all fucking places, in the middle of the summer, to pretend to be related to some idiot who posthumously made twenty million bucks, which you suddenly assume should be largely your twenty million bucks--where fourteen million is apparently your hazard pay for having to outlive your client--and I get four million dollars. You do realise I could spend the same amount of time writing a novel with a far better plotline, and make the same four million for that, right?
I am contacting you in strict confidence and trust hoping in you I have found a right partner.
Um...yeah: I'm your guy. Oh, and for only fifty million, I'll change your EMail address in the archive so you stop getting spammed by most of the 'net with nothing but 'LOL' repeated fifty thousand times per EMail....
This whole process should not take more than 3 working days.
Bullshit. Unless you've stolen a concorde and found a decent landing strip for it in Nigeria, I can assure you that the flight alone will take more than seventy-two hours, round trip.
I want to assure you of a 100% risk free nature of this transaction as I have taken everything into consideration.
Assure away. In fact: once I receive the five hundred bucks you owe me, I'll go ahead and listen to you.
Please contact me if you are interested on my telephone number 234-8023274036 or my email: edsaliu19@operamail.com also ensure to forward to me your confidential email and tel/fax numbers.
Can't I just snailmail you my MasterCard, or something? Save a little trouble on my end?
Best Regards
Barr Edward Saliu
Mr. Clive D Prescott
Is this to suggest that you think I'm Canadian now? Oh man did you miss your target....
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Dumbass....
Anyway: more late--
What in the living, festering corpse of all that is Raymond Fucking Burr....
This is simply wrong: Yhvh Ministry.
I'm giving up now, before any more dumbness happens to me today. More later....
--Gremlin