Jesus Cares Intimately For The Matters Of Your Life.

• Have you tried every drink, drug, food or obsession and your highs keep getting lower?

  Not yet....
   
  Jesus can set you free.

  Has Jesus been approved for recreational use by the FDA?
   
  

• Have you felt that no one cares or understands?

  I was going to, until I realised that I neither cared nor understood and no longer felt qualified to posit the sweeping generalisation.
   
  Has the computer become your best friend?

  No. Although I am teaching it to be a designated driver.
   
  Jesus will never leave you.

  Neither will mononucleosis.
   
  

• Are you tired of searching for meaning in today's fragmented world?

  No. But I'm tired of spam.
   
  Jesus brings purpose.

  Get back to me when he brings doughnuts.
   
  

• Are you hurting?

  Wrong verb.
   
  Did the doctors send you home incurable?

  Yeah. I tested negative for souls in the MRI.
   
  Jesus heals.

  And plays dead.
   
  

• Eternity: Devil, Demons, and Hell; or God, Angels, and Heaven? Your Choice.

  I'm acutally waiting to get all of them at once in the McFarlane set.
   
  Jesus is coming again!

  I get that image of Jackie Gleason in The Toy here....

The bible says: "All people have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God". (Romans 3:23)

So? The disclaimer here at gremlin.net says You the Visitor agree to pay US$10,000 to the webmaster in a timely manner if you claim that a deity exists. Unsolicited EMail [spam] received by Gremlin will be assessed a $500 annoyance fee, in accordance with current antispam laws; all submissions automatically become the property of gremlin.net and cannot be returned.
 

• Jesus said, " I have come that they might have life, and that they might have it more abundantly. I am the good shepherd: the good shepherd gives his life for the sheep." John 10:10-11.

  As if livestock ranchers didn't have enough problems already....
   
  Jesus wants you to have a life of peace.

  And to kill or beleaguer everyone who doesn't convert.
   
  Peace comes from allowing Jesus to live within our hearts.

  That doesn't sound medically advisable.
   
  Disobedience to the Word of God destroys this peaceful, full life that Jesus provided for us.

  So there is a cure....
   
  Sin separates us from the presence of God.

  It's always strange to be separated from an omnipresent entity....
   
  

• John 3:15-18 says, "That everyone who believes in Him may have eternal life.  For God so loved the world that He gave His one and only Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life.  For God did not send His Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through Him.  Whoever believes in Him is not condemned, but whoever does not believe stands condemned already because he has not believed in the name of Gods one and only Son."

  This omnipotent deity wasn't smart enough to fix the world in any other way?

Do You Want To Know Jesus, And To Let Him Be Your Lord And Savior?

Not particularly; no.

If so, Pray this with me now:

Congratulations!

Your decision to pray is the most important decision you will ever make.

Second only to Paper or Plastic.
 
Prayer changes things.

So does StemCell research.
 
When Jesus comes into your heart, things become different.

You begin to notice cardiac arrest, for example.
 
Let the Holy Spirit speak to your heart as you learn how to follow Jesus.

Yeah. Why start at the beginning, after all....
 
The Bible feeds your new spirit inside of you.

And lets it grow like a cancer.

Repentance

And everyone following you slams into you at seventy-five miles per hour.
 
Some people say that you turn over a new leaf.

Some people eat blood sausage, too.

Born Again

We must be born of the Spirit and take on the Spirit or nature of God.

Or what?
 
When we came into this world we were born of the flesh, like our parents.

And who wants to be like his parents....
 
All people are descendants of Adam and Eve who sinned in the garden of Eden.

Not me. My lineage traces back to the serpent: Dad was a lawyer.
 
Because of their sin we are born with the same sinful, lustful nature which desires the things of this world more than the things of God.

So send money to Pat Robertson now....
 
We are all sinners because we disobey God's laws as written in the Holy Bible.

Probably because you can't fucking read.
 
We may try to obey but within ourselves we cannot successfully obey.

Evolve.
 
The spirit of Satan influences us to disobey God.

Well, yeah: Baal Zevuv was a competing deity; by the same token, Bill Gates influences you to disobey Steve Jobs.
 
When we give in to Satan and he causes us to sin, we have guilt, anger, greed, hatred, pride, jealousy and bitterness.

But wait! Order now, and we'll throw in this Amazing Chamois!
 
This is often a source of unhappiness as we disappoint ourselves and hurt other people.

Unhappiness while hurting other people? You're weird....
 
Many times this is the root cause of depression and an unfulfilled life which escalates as we perpetuate the cycle, seeking happiness and finding none.

The root cause of depression is chemical imbalance.
 
Sin destroys us and leads to destruction in an eternal Hell.

Where 'hell' is 'eternal sleep', according to those who invented the concept.
 
While talking with Nicodemus, Jesus declared, ''I tell you the truth, no one can see the kingdom of God unless he is born again" John 3:3.

Who'd want to?

The Way of Salvation

Salvation is not merely a one-time experience.

How much is a season pass?
 
It is an experience which places you on the Christian faith journey_the Way of Salvation.

I knew there was a catch....
 
Accepting Jesus Christ as your Lord and Savior is your first step on the trip.

Planning an itinerary can wait....
 
As you read your Bible you will grow spiritually.

Yuck.
 
Find some good Christian people to associate with.

Know any?
 
Begin to attend a Bible believing church.

That sentence lacked punctuation.
 
Learn how to witness to others telling them about your new relationship with Jesus.

Right. Don't wait to have one, or anything; just pretend.
 
The goal of the Christian life is not getting into Heaven; that is the reward.

No reward is worth this.
 
The goal is to let others know about Jesus Christ, to continually become more like him, and for your personal relationship with Him to grow deeper.

The goal is to spam this shit to people who don't care?

Connection

It's important to be around other Christians, people who you feel safe with, and can speak into your life for spiritual growth.

Make up your mind....
 
Begin attending a local church that teaches the bible in its original form,

Hebrew?
 
and please do NOT be mislead by false teachings that are not in the bible.

Be mislead by false teachings which are in the bible.

Sharing

After you have prayed this prayer, find someone with whom you can share your new salvation.

Someone you don't like very much.
 
And forward this email to as many people as your heart desires, pronouncing your newly found faith.

After all: it only costs you five hundred bucks per violation....