Sunday 2nd February 2003
This little fucker can't stay out of the news for long, can he....
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Yup. I'm calling it. Columbian Roast.
Tasteless? Well, not if you like coffee. But also it's somewhat less annoying than Tragedy in the Sky, Astronauts Are Home, Shuttle Shenanigans, and whatever else the mediassloaves are calling this thing. Although I do have to point something out real quick. It begins with News of the Stoopid [NotS]....
Remember that theory that some media sources might attempt to sway opinions? One great source for that is the Des Moines Fucking Register. This newspaper...okay: grab the Rocky Mountain News, or even the Denver Post, and read the headlines. Half the time, the headline involves Denver somehow. Pick up USA Today on the same day, and somewhere on the front page will be the story about Denver. Because things actually happen in Denver. Now grab the Fucking Register: Iowa Teens Claim Sky Is Blue and seventeen pages of coverage. Why? Because things like the Register rely on Iowans to survive. No one in Denver has ever heard of the Register. Hit Newsland: you can get today's paper from Inkspot, Maryland, but they never seem to have the Register. Either it sells out instantly, or they don't bother with it; I've never asked.
In order to keep Iowans in Iowa, the Register have got to convey the idea that nothing actually exists outside the state. And I'm very barely exaggerating here. If a plane crashes in Brasil, and fourteen hundred people are killed, they'll find the guy onboard who used to live in Iowa, and focus on that. If someone blows up the World Trade Centre with fertilliser, they'll make sure to focus on the Iowan-made horseshit used to make the bomb. If Australia sank, they'd mention it, and then remind everyone that, in 1993, Des Moines kinda sank too; there was a flood; here's five thousand flood-related pages to distract you from Oz.
Copyright © Gremlin 1999
So here's today's headline from DesMoinesRegister.com:
Now, I know what you're thinking: what's the point of being a prophet if no one will fucking listen to you.
Well, that and: hey...I think I see the Face of Satan in that smoketrail....
I'll say this for Iowans though: the ability to '[see] the space shuttle Columbia break apart in flames on Saturday' is noteworthy. I was never able to see anything above Texas from Ames....
Spam of the Day
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Lemee ask you the obvious question here: would you send this spam to someone named Gremlin?
I'm tempted to EMail them back and ask whether these treatments would work on an iguana....
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More Later....
--Gremlin