Goody, goody; just what I was hoping to get for giftmas: bestselling fucking fiction. And a candle and assorted fruit. This is one of the reasons I'm less than giddy to have people living on my planet.
Let's move on to Page Two of this goofy fucking card....

This requires some feedback. Lucky for me, this waste of bloody trees contains a font totally indecypherable by OCR software. So this'll take a minute to transcribe....

On behalf of Pastors Rodney M. & Trina D. Hamer
Pastor Trina? Someone hasn't read all the way up to I Timothy 2.12 in this bible thingy yet....

and the Abiding Faith Christian Center [sic] family
What in the name of all that is mythical does 'abiding faith' mean? Abiding Faith: the pretention that a condition is true, despite the lack of supporting evidence, and despite that nagging urge to kill something.

We would like to say
You've Got Spam!

"Merry Christmas" to you and your family;
I and my family are above christianity.

This [sic] is truly a wonderful time of the year.
I'll say. The roads are icy; people are dumber than usual; the malls are identical to Dawn of the Dead, but without that goofy Monroeville Mall music. Why, just tonight, something really funny happened to me. Or, really, it didn't happen to me. Kinda. It's like this. I'm at the mall, being roughly six and a half feet tall wearing jumpboots, battlestrolling along at about ten miles an hour; directly in front of me, a pair of rival moron musters are posturing in their froggy little peacock dances, all set to throw down, or up, or whatever these 'tards do when their attentionspans allow for it; then, in the middle of this entire midgetmash, the showdown at the watering hole grinds to a halt as I the superpredator walk between them in an applied demonstration of the Invader Zim Almighty Tallest Theory; Moses can part the Red Sea all he likes; anyone with a bucket can displace water; show me a biblical force with the ability to separate groups of chittering twerps in front of Suncoast, and I'll look into giving a damn.

A time that all over the world you will find people celebrating this day with the giving and receiving of gifts among family and friends.
BangBang strikes back. Its called punctuation, Fucktards. Anyway: A) I have no intention of finding anything all over the world--largely because I can't get all over the world in my car, and I can't smoke on aeroplanes; B) name one guy doing this at the bottom of the Marianas; C) be very, very careful what sort of fiction you place after 'you' in any given sentence--my lawyers are extremely touchy this Wonderful Time of Year.

Have you ever wondered how this tradition started?
With the druids. And later with the embelishment of the biography of a criminal named Saint Nicholas. If memory serves.

It started with the giving of a single precious gift given to the whole world.
Oxygen?

It was the gift of eternal life given to who ever [sic] will [sic] receive it.
Did it come with a receipt?

John 3:16 in the bible says "For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life."
And John 3.18 says: 'He that believeth on him is not condemned: but he that believeth not is condemned already, because he hath not believed in the name of the only begotten Son of God.' Lose the fucking leaflet; read the whole damned bible someday.

You may ask, what was he given for?
Nah; I'm sure it was the only recourse available to an omnipotent deity....

The answer is found in Romans 5:19, "For as by one man's disobedience many were made sinners,...[sic]", Because [sic] of the disobedience of one man, we were all thrown into sin.
And far be it from an omnipotent deity to have any intelligent means of rectifying a situation like that....

Roman [sic] 6:23 tells us "For the wages of sin is [sic] death, but the gift of God is eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord.". [sic]
And Leviticus 11.19 tells us that bats are birds. And I Kings 7.23 tells us that pi is 30/10. And Genesis 1.16 says that YodHehVavHeh made the sun four days after creating the light. Everything in the bible is true, you know....

Wages are something that is [sic, again] owed someone for work or service rendered.
Yup. Now, show me which workorder I signed to get into this alleged debt, you fucking frauds.

As a sinner, our [sic] wages will be eternal separation from God in the lake of fire.
Yeah. Lakes of fire are always good places to be separated from omnipresent deities. Fucking morons....

This is what the bible means, when it says the wages of sin is [sic, yet again] death, that is, eternal separation from God because of our sinful nature. [sic]
I'd gathered that you wouldn't be separated from this retarded deity for your lack of intelligence.

But notice, [sic] that it also says the gift of God is eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord.
You mentioned that already. Seventeen seconds ago. Before you were reincarnated with a shorter attentionspan than Leonard Shelby ever had.

Now remember, a gift is something that we freely receive like we do on Christmas.
And which is subject to gift taxes of up to fifty percent of its value.

Someone else pays the price for the gift, we just freely receive it.
Not in this case; in this case, the US$10,000 you imbeciles owe me for this shit is freely fucking exchanged for having to deal with your clunky John Saul writing 'style'.

So in the same way God paid for the gift of eternal life, with the price of his Son Jesus Christ.
There are some things money can't buy; for everything else, there's false messiahs.

Romans 5:8 says, "But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while [sic] we were sinners, Christ died for us."
Demonstrates? Lemee just be sure about something here...Demonstrate [verb]: to show clearly and deliberately; manifest. To date, no deity has ever shown me anything clearly or deliberately; no deity has ever manifested at me. Again: be excrutiatingly careful what you lie about if you're going to include my personage into your generalised defamation.

You see, Jesus paid the price for the gift of eternal life that is being offered to you now;
And, remember, Kids: back in AD32, there were no federal limits on interest rates; this cat's been accumulating a thousand percent per day for the last 1,971 years....

all you have to do is receive it.
Hey whoa wait a minute; you just told me that this gift required nothing from me; now you're bait-and-switching in this handy little effort-on-my-part clause. Fucking frauds.

My friend,
Now you're getting nasty....

would you like to recieve the free gift of eternal life now, then all you have to do is receive it.
Badly worded as this strange collection of letters is, it might be a trick question. Um...no, I have no interest in receiving this silly fucking myth, regardless the cost to anyone anywhere ever.

John 1:12 says, "But as many received him, to them gave he power to become the sons of God, even to them that believe on his name."
And they each became this idiot's only begotten son. Even the chicks.

Romans 10:9-10 says      "That if you confess with your mouth the Lord Jesus, and believe in your heart, that God has raised Him from the dead, you will be saved.
I'm not sure why there was that massive space between those words, but I replicated it, just in case it was intentional. Beyond that: A) if Jeepers existed as described in the bible, there's nothing to confess--he was already convicted of terrorism and executed for it; B) I don't believe in things--I'm a nullifidian; C) even if I did believe in something, I'd do it in my brain, not in my heart--learn basic anatomy someday, Shiteaters.

For with the heart, one believes unto righteousness, and with the mouth, confession is made unto salvation."
I had to doublecheck that one; I first tried typing 'with the mouth, confection is made unto salivation'.

Notice that it said the moment you confess with your mouth what you believe in your heart, you will be saved.
I guess I missed that part. Lemee run a quick Ctrl-F on 'moment' here...nope; this is the first time I've seen it. Stop lying, Muttfuckers.

It means you can receive your free gift of eternal life right now!!!
Right now[!!!]? Wow. Tha'd be great. Especially the part where, according to general mythology, eternal life begins after corporeal death[!!!]; don't threaten me, Plebeians.

(TO RECEIVE THE FREE GIFT OF ETERNAL LIFE PRAY THIS PRAYER ON THE OTHER SIDE) J
Pray what prayer? And why would I have to do it on the oth--oh. This.

Dear God, I'm a sinner and my wages of being a sinner is [sic, ever yet the fuck again] death, that is, eternal separation in hell from you.
Hell, Michigan? Too cold. I'll remain separated from deities here in Denver for a while....

But you said in the bible that if I would confess Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior [sic] in my heart that [sic] I would be saved.
Since that second [sic] is less obvious than the [sic] on the misspelling of 'saviour', feel free to rearrange the words in this damaged sentence to read as 'But you said in the bible that that I would be saved if I would confess Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior in my heart'. Call me kooky, but even a deity dumb enough to flood a planet in a failed attempt to exterminate evilness from the universe might be a bit insulted by the lack of reading level inherent in this goofy little chant. In point of fact, Titus 2.7-8 appears to support that hunch: 'In all things shewing thyself a pattern of good works: in doctrine shewing uncorruptness, gravity, sincerity, Sound speech, that cannot be condemned; that he that is of the contrary part may be ashamed, having no evil thing to say of you.'

I accept Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior [sic again] and I believe, in my heart, that you raised Him from the dead for me.
So, in the event that this deity happened to exist, you'd like me to lie to it? Yeah: I believe, in my heart, that you raised this holy zombie from the fucking grave; yeah, that's the ticket. I'm sure the sort of deity who would send people to hell for an eternity of torture because they stood up on a Saturday would overlook a little white lie like that....

Therefore, I am now saved according to the Word because I believe in my heart, and confess with my mouth Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior. [sic; now we're nearly tied with 'wages is' for number of fuckups in a single spam]
Notice here how you've got to kinda give yourself your own confirmation on this idiotic contract, since the deity you're selling your proverbial soul to doesn't quite exist well enough to actually talk to you. This whole prayer thingy is like playing Monopoly as Solitaire: 'okay, I'll just buy a property and pay me some rent next time I'm here....'

AMEN!!!
It's always fun to see christworshippers bellow the names of lesser Egyptian deities....

******************************************************
Yes, I counted them; there are fifty-four of the damned things.

(If you have prayed this prayer I want to welcome you to the family of God.
Which is kinda like the family of Leatherface, but not as intelligent.

Please write to us, and come to the address below and tell us the great news.
'Great news! Gremlin ripped the living shit out of your spam on his website! And you owe him ten thousand bucks! Could you die?!?' Feel free to copypaste that, print it out, and mail it in.

We will be glad to hear from you.)
I can promise you that this is a lie. Or at least a falsehood. They'll get that soon enough.

*****************************************************
Yes, I counted them; apparently they didn't; there are fifty-three of them this time.

Abiding Faith Christian Center [sic, again]; 1009 S. Uvalda; Aurora, Colorado 80012
I should really show up there. At three in the morning. With a camera. And cigarettes. And pig's blood.

Sundays at 10:00AM In [sic] the Aurora Hills Middle School
Now I really have to find out whether this is a public school or not. Really much a lot.

On [sic] Mississippi between Uvalda & Troy
Obviously, the building at 1009 Uvalda would be on Mississippi and merely near Uvalda....

Mailing address is: Abiding Faith Christian Center; [sic for the third time; 'wages is' has some stiff competition here] P.O. Box 200114; Aurora Co [sic] 80220-0114
So...I'm confused now; a minute ago, these losers wanted me to 'come to the address below'. Which one? The one on Uvalda near Uvalda, or the POBox? I'd hate to just guess after the meaning of things; I'll leave that to the christians....