Friday 23rd April 2004
Ten at night. And I'm tired. This is why.
Right to Download Okay, so my formatting is cleaner; but that's what their site says.
Update: In a quick shortcut on the math, I glanced at the timer at JestBuy.com to get the 104 days. Of course, the timer is a CSI, so it took the word of the new laptop regarding the date, which it shouldn't have done, since the laptop apparently thought it was somewhere in Australia at the time. I've since fixed the date here on the laptop, revising the 104 days to 103. So, technically, instead of 2,499 hours without a laptop, I went only 2,475. Just in case that makes things sound any less idiotic somehow.... Of course, I'm probably not supposed to download that, or look at it, or screenshoot it, or upload it, or publish it, according to the BestBuy.com Right to Download policy. But, it's okay, actually. See, I'm not just reading and downloading and screenshooting and uploading and exposing this on a whim.
See? Not that they actually give a damn what I paid for my laptop in the first place. Well, until they arbitrarily mark up the price of a ZD7140US to duplicate that of a ZD7160US, to use up every last exact penny I'd given them for the machine I'd bought and used before they failed to fix it four times out of three.
Well, there's the obvious: I woke up about twenty-four hours ago. Which is largely meaningless. On average, I stay awake for about thirty-six hours at a time, sleep for up to six, and do it all over again. Of course, since 'up to six' isn't real precise, I can never quite guess whether I'm gonna be awake at any specific minute of the day three days from now. It's just how things work; I'm used to it.
Today was a little different. Today was exhausting enough that I'm nearly tired enough to sleep after only twenty-four hours. So, let's talk a little about that.
Around ten last night, I woke up. We've covered that. Then I played with various things for a while, until Hunter woke up sometime after dawn. I already knew I had plans for today: as of Wednesday, Pavlov, or whatever the retarded guy's name was at JestBuy, had assured me, in that special Downs Syndrome way, that, by Friday--today--I'd have a new laptop. Good. So, I'm intending to call these twits around, say, eleven so I can hear all about how they've changed their minds again, or lost some paperwork, or forgotten what planet they're on, or whatever excuse they might be able to dream up for me.
It never quite happened.
Somehow, the stars aligned just right; Deimos and Phobos were in Uranus, and someone at JestBuy ACTUALLY CALLED ME.
Okay, so he didn't actually call me. But, he ACTUALLY CALLED HUNTER.
At 8.49pm. Eleven minutes before they closed.
The message? We got the authorisation. Drop in with my original receipt [of which animals none exist, since I got the laptop at BestBuy.com] so they can ascertain what I paid for it, so they'll know what to give me in Store Credit.
Whee.
Naturally, upon hearing this once Hunter had got up, time became quickly short. Rapidly, I put on my jumpboots. Hurriedly, I grabbed my fedora. Precipitously, I donned by trenchcoat. Belatedly, I discovered that my car was under a metre of snow again. So, there was a slight delay.
Eventually, we got the snow off the car. Fervently, we averaged seventeen miles an hour getting to Colorado and Interstate Twenty-five. Receiptedly, we dashed inside. Sovietly, we waited in line until Sol burned out.
Then, we encountered Aziz. That was what his nametag read. Kinda like, say, a JestBuy Fucking Warranty.
Yes, you can now visualise the old Electric Company cartoon short about the used car: 'As is...as is...as is...[clunk]...I want it as was'. Don't we all.
Which is why I recommend avoiding the living hell outta JestBuy. Well, that, and a few other reasons. Like these.
Aziz is naturally a bit perplexed, being a dumb fucking idiot whose entire catalogue of English is...well, I'll let you guess from the conversation....
I'm here, at JestBuy, to grab my Store Credit, so I can buy a new laptop. Understand, at this point, that I'm talking literally about nothing more than the amount of cash I spent on the machine in the first place. Which, incidentally, turned out to be less than I'd thought. I'm used to spending three thousand bucks every time I buy a laptop [unless you count that Toshiba 80286 I got, wholesale, in 1992 for a mere US$7,999.99; those were the days]; this one, since science marches on, was slightly less.
So. Here I am at JestBuy to get, as promised, Store Credit for a new machine. Or whatever. I might even blow the money on a couple hundred DVDs and go get a computer from CircuitCity, where they gave me Store Credit for the price of my broken Sony FX210, the Extended Warranty itself, the sales tax, and so on. In that case, of course, laptops had dropped in price rapidly enough that I wound up spending only half the money on what became Hunter's laptop; the rest I just kinda spent; in the end, I was buying CDRs and reams of printer paper, just to use up the last few bucks.
But that was CircuitCity. Which is meaningless. Cos I'm at Fucking JestBuy.
Aziz is having problems with this concept. Largely because, even though I've got recordings of JestBuy Representatives promising me Store Credit [along with various other things no one ever gave me, of course], it's a matter of JestBuy Policy that, in returning a broken laptop, even after the fourth repair out of three, and even after Three and a Half Fucking Months without a laptop, they simply trade machines across based on the Comparable Technology.
Lemee repeat that: Comparable Technology.
In case you missed it: Comparable Technology.
Has this phrase got any particular meaning to anyone? Not on its own. But, it is one of the two English phrases known by Aziz.
You'll encounter the other phrase in a few paragraphs.
Store Credit for $2099,99--the cost, it turns out, of my old laptop--could conceivably purchase a computer, in this day and age, of, say, Incomparable Technology. And that would suck. Lots and lots. Imagine: me getting a slightly better machine after having been forced on hold for Three and a Half Fucking Months while JestBuy failed to fix my laptop four tries out of three.
Comparable Technology. We don't even know why I had to bring in the 'original receipt', given that they never cared what I paid for the machine in the first place. Because they've got to trade me for Comparable Technology.
Lovely.
So, Aziz is a fucking idiot. It's what we've come to expect from JestBuy. Dumb luck I happened to go in on Levi's day off. Which is an optimistic presumption on my part; more likely, JestBuy sacked him for failing to be a Fucking Idiot.
So, we go off to look at laptops. I'd already hit BestBuy.com to look at replacement laptops. I found three HewlettPackards I didn't hate. The ZD7140US [$1849.99], the ZD7160US [$2099.99] and, on the outside, the ZD7180US [$2699.99]. I printed each one out [incidentally violating the BestBuy.com EULA, which states...and lemee go copypaste this one verbatim, lest anyone think I'm exaggerating.
According to http://www.bestbuy.com/site/olspage.jsp?id=cat12101&type=page&contentId=1043363615837&entryURLID=cat00000&entryURLType=null&h=287#rightdownload:
You may only download Content displayed on the Best Buy Web site for non-commercial, personal use provided you also retain all copyright, trademark and other proprietary notices contained in the material, do not modify or alter the material and do not copy or post the material on any network computer or broadcast the material in any media. It is strictly prohibited to modify, transmit, distribute, reuse, repost, "frame" or use the content of the Best Buy Web site including the text, images, audio and/or video for public or commercial purposes without written permission from an authorized representative of Best Buy. It is strictly prohibited to download the images of the products for sale within this site.Now, given that I don't happen to retain all copyright, trademark, and other proprietary notices, since those are all owned by HewlettPackard, I was evidently not actually allowed to print this shit out. Just a heads up for anyone thinking about printing, screenshooting, downloading [as in, say, to Exploder's cache], or accidentally reading and learning from BestBuy.com in any way whatsoever. That would be bad.
Anyway: I did it. And I'd do it again. In fact, I just did do it again. I'm incorrigible. You'll never take me alive.
So. Having violated JestBuy's EULA by visiting their website, I printed out these three different files to compare features betwixt them. This was actually before I learned that my laptop had, by coincidence, cost exactly $2,099.99--the exact price of the ZD7160US.
Then, I found that out, crossreferenced it against the matter of record that I'd be given Store Credit in the amount of the total of my laptop--$2,099.99, and worked out without much issue that I could trade straight across for the ZD7160US, based on all information to date.
All information to date, of course, didn't yet include Comparable Technology. Which I'm now hearing about. To no end.
Also, as well, and in addition to Comparable Technology, Aziz notices, curiously enough, that the ZD71x0US models are Widescreen.
Not Widescreened. Widescreen. Noun. Aziz knows the terms Comparable Technology and Widescreen. And that's about it. He doesn't know the term The Customer Is Always Right, or the term Bait and Switch Fraud, or, apparently, the term INS. Just Comparable Technology and Widescreen. So I'm having nothing but fun....
Aziz trots off to discuss the matter of my promised Store Credit with 'the manager'. And he returns. And, in addition to Comparable Technology and Widescreen, he's learned, essentially, the word No.
No, the manager won't go for upholding the oral contract. Instead, I should just take, oh...here's a good model: the cheapest fucking laptop in the store. 7Eleven have better machines.
I sway not. Aziz trots away for a second time.
He returns. He hasn't learned Yes yet.
I remind him that half the reason I bought the best laptop on the market in the first place was for the conspicuous consumption. To 'replace' it with the 'comparable technology' of something an abacus can make fun of fails to replace the general notoriety of having a decent machine.
Aziz trots off. Aziz returns. No.
At this point, we start discussing the possibility of talking to this phantasmagoric manager of his, since, so far, Aziz has claimed to have gone off to talk to him three different times, and returned with no new information. Aziz ponders that for a percentage of his life, and goes off to get this guy for us.
It was instantly evident why, exactly, the manager had avoided the situation altogether. This requires a quick bit of information which might not be globally known yet.
I happen to be about six five. Which is to say that I'm about six five when I wake up, and closer to six four when I finally pass out every couple of days. Add a pair of jumpboots, and I'm over six and a half feet tall. Just a quick matter of fact.
Hunter is five and half feet tall. On a good day. When gravity is lazy. So there's a measurable difference between our heights. From across a room.
By whatever percentage I happen to dwarf Hunter, she similarly dwarfed this manager.
I'm using 'dwarf' here as a verb. I don't think the guy was technically a midget. It's just that my dick is bigger than he was.
Now: some of you know Hunter. Or of Hunter. By whatever rumour. Hunter's personality is a scary, scary animal. And, the only reason people ever recover from it is that she's the height of Ronnie James Dio.
This manager, though...he never had a fucking chance.
So. Now that he's here, I'm effectively out of the conversation. This is the exact conversation as I observed it....
HUNTER: I don't want Comparable Technology. In fact, I don't even want Store Credit. I want cash. The laptop was $2099.99; I want $2099.99.
MIDGET: Okay, but...we don't exchange laptops based on price. Because a laptop today for $2099.99 would be better than a laptop back then for $2099.99. Am I right?
HUNTER: No. You're not right. Because $2099.99 today is worth less than $2099.99 then. I want the $2099.99 to spend on a laptop. Preferably in cash, so I can buy a laptop at a good store.
LEPRECHAUN: Okay, but we don't give out Store Credit. We exchange laptops based on Comparable Technology. So we can't give you cash, because that could buy new technology.
HUNTER: [produces receipt brought along on demand] Look: Muh-nee. I already explained this very simply. Muh-nee.
GOBLIN: And I already explained that we don't give out money. We trade for Comparable Technology.
HUNTER: Muh...nee....
TROLL: Yeah, but--
HUNTER: No; look here; the paper. Muh. Nee. Like this. With the numbers in it.
GREMLIN: Okay, I get it--
Oh. Uh, GREMLIN isn't GREMLIN as in, like, a small, mythical animal; GREMLIN is GREMLIN as in, like, me. A tall, scary animal.
Anyway: 'Okay, I get it,' I say, 'The guy I recorded telling me you'd give me store credit simply lied to me. That's not surprising; you idiots have been lying to me for a hundred and four days now. I'll deal with the fraud separately; for now, I need a laptop.'
This, strangely, gets the guy's attention. 'Someone from BestBuy promised you that? Did you get his name?'
'I got some of their names,' I say.
'We've recorded most of these frauds promising us things,' Hunter adds, 'The latest guy's in there.'
They're all on the website,' I mention. Although, the manager doesn't fully grok what that might mean. Another poor bastard who hasn't heard of JestBuy.com. Yet.
The manager gives Aziz a dedicated nod, which has no obvious meaning at all; then he splits; he has Lucky Charms to protect.
Aziz has lost the ability to tell me that a given laptop is Widescreen[ed]. He's still all about Comparable Technology; but he's pretty well conceded that I'm getting a fucking widescreened laptop now.
Here again, the three loosely-available models are the ZD7140US, the ZD7160US, and the ZD7180US. Although the ZD7180US is actually available only online, since no one with twenty-seven hundred bucks to spend on a laptop in 2004 actually goes near BestBuy for anything. But: in the event a biblical seal is opened, BestBuy.com can get a ZD7180US from hp.com and add a few hundred bucks to the price for you.
That effectively leaves the ZD7060US, costing precisely what my ZE5185 happened to cost, to the penny, and the ZD7140US, costing a few hundred bucks less. This is important to understand.
I can't, you see, have, in fact, the ZD7160US. Because that might make me happy. It might even get me to think wow...was I ever wrong about JestBuy...all these months thinking they sucked, when, in fact, they came through at the last minute and effectively just gave me my money back...what a great place....
Two reasons that never happened.
First, I wound up with the ZD7140US. Which is essentially a 3GHz seventeen-inch widescreened version of the ZE5185 I haven't got anymore.
Second, I wound up with the ZD7140US. Which is essentially a 3GHz seventeen-inch widescreened version of the ZE5185 I haven't got anymore.
Before you wonder whether you really just read the same sentence twice, realise that you've not getting the varying inflexions.
I've now got a ZD7140US. And that's great. It's a laptop; it does what I need a laptop to do; it's cool.
I've now got an outstanding loss of $378.71, extorted by JestBuy, who allegedly replaced the ZE5185's harddrive, without supplying the promised evidence of its replacement, or the promised evidence of customer abuse, which has purchased for me a harddrive which may or may not be any newer than the rest of the laptop in fact, and which is no longer in my possession.
That is to say that: JestBuy still owe me $378.71 for a drive I paid to have replaced, under duress, while ending up with exactly zero out of two drives rumoured to exist somewhere in the universe.
Which means that, now, instead of merely $2,099.99 for the ZE5185, I'm up to $2,478.70 for the ZE5185. And that's just in money I've literally spent.
That doesn't count the money lost while having no laptops for 104 days, two hours, and fifty nine minutes, between 9am Sunday 11th January 2004, when I gave them my laptop the first time [it was actually slightly before nine; I managed to get in there around 8.45 somehow; but the numbers round out better if I call it nine], and 11.59am Friday 23rd April 2004 [which I'll go ahead and round off to noon, since it leaves me fourteen missing minutes in their favour]. So. Let's talk math.
I already adjusted for the beginning of Daylight Savings Time, dropping the 104/3.59 to 104/2.59 when we lost an hour. So, let's call this 104 days and three hours. Which is, of course, 2,499 hours without a laptop.
Given that I sleep about twenty-five percent of the time...well, let's be a little forgiving there, as well; it's the least I can do after all the kindness these dumb fucking criminals have shown me. We'll push beyond twenty-five percent. We'll remove, say, six hundred hours from the twenty-four hundred--twenty-five percent--and drop those mathematically-upsetting ninety-nine hours into, like, taking baths.
Leaving eighteen hundred hours. Approximately all of which, had I had a laptop all this time, I'd have been working. Anyone who's ever so much as heard of me is well aware that I can work for eighteen hundred hours in a hundred and four days; but only if I have a laptop I can lurk in restaurants with.
While working, I make $150 an hour. Which isn't entirely true, of course. Half the time, I double that. Consulting rates. Or, if you prefer: hazard pay for dealing with utter fucking morons. But, just in case I'm forgetting that I'm not actually touching any keys on the laptop while driving [usually, I'm juggling a phone, a cigarette, a soda, a stickshift, a steeringwheel, a clutch, a brake, and an accelerator--not necessarily in that order], let's run a special, just for this promotion: let's suppose that, instead of $150-$300 per hour over the last 1,800 laptopless hours, I was actually only pulling in a hundred flat per hour.
Now for the math. $100*1800=$180,000.
So. Let's be sure to welsh out of a twenty-one-hundred-dollar machine, after charging me $2,478.70 for my ZE5185, by handing out--against all precedented policybending at JestBuy--a laptop selling for $1,849.99.
It is, you know. I doublechecked BestBuy.com. And I saved it for you....
I'm reporting a fucking crime.
A what? A crime? JestBuy? Conclusive criminals? The hell you say!
The hell I do not. Exhibit B:
So. It ain't over yet. It's just gone mobile.
I've got a laptop again. Which means that, now, I can develop JestBuy.com in restaurants, where I can think.
At least, until or unless JestBuy give me a good reason to stop doing that. At which point I will. Precisely 2,499 hours after I'm satisfied.
More later....
--Gremlin