Posted by Baron Greenback [216.54.16.203 - ip-216-54-16-203.coxfiber.net] on 18 November 2003 at 19.07.22 ZuluTime:

Got a letter in my e-mail today. Actually, I got 259 letters in my e-mail, but of course, most of those aren't real letters from real people, and come from the Matrix, a nightmare realm where there are no spoons and everyone must eat their soup with forks. At any rate, it appears my old pal "Vanessa" wanted to chat with me. Now, I don't remember ever talking to vanessa, much less ever going into any sort of "singles" chat, but then again, I don't remember all those times I went drinking with President Bush, and he sends me e-mail all the time. So, I decided to give her the benefit of the doubt. Here's her letter
     Hey there sexy!! It's me, Vanessa. We chatted a while back on that
     personals site. I was just letting you know, i am single again. Things
     didn't work out too well. He'd always make sure he got his please but i
     never got mine. So i am looking for a man who can fulfill all needs. If
     you still want to get to know each other better, i would like that a
     lot. I have a site where i had some pics posted of myself. If you wanna
     check em out, you can find em here
     http://ultimatepersonals.biz/onlinecheatingwives/100064.html. You can
     also talk to me on Instant Messenger, my screen name is VanessaBell223.
     I hope we can get together sometime soon. Its really boring around
     here. So check out my pics and send me and let me know what you think.

What was I to do? I couldn't leave her hanging. So, I replied.

     Hi vanessa,

Sorry, I don't remember you offhand. I may have been drunk when we talked last. i was going through the hard times back then, I think, when my playstation 2 decided to abandon me when I was trying to watch gigli. I have since gotten a gamecube, which has proven loyal thus far. Don't ever leave me like that cheating no good bastard Playstation 2.
     Wow. I guess I'm not the only one in the tough times right now either. If you ever see that man again, you should strip his face of it's flesh and feed it to the dog. That's what I'd do anyway.
     I would like to get to know who you are, but I can't remember a thing about you. Wait, no. Your name is... valerie...no... it's one of those V names. I looked at your pictures, but it did not ring the bell running south of the border. My mom says that I shouldn't be talking to you, but then again, she said that lima beans would taste good and she also said that if I ever got caught doing that to the dog again, she would kill me, and as you can see, I am still alive, and the dog is still peppy :)
     I don't know how we can get together, being as how you are on my computer. But, if you figure a way, let me know

Bill