| 21 November 2003 at 22.20.59 ZuluTime
|
Posted by Gremlin [24.9.24.54 - c-24-9-24-54.client.comcast.net] on 21 November 2003 at 22.20.59 ZuluTime:
In Reply to: 'Gremlin, I thought they were going to kill me' posted by Gremlin on 19 November 2003 at 21.30.14 ZuluTime:
It happened again....
Big Dog Marketing
A subsidary of Spread Eagle Receiving
Mining Gold on the Internet
Secrets of the Oremaster
11 / 21 / 03
Captain's Logue: ASCII-based civilisation discovered; disregarding the prime directive altogether, we've spammed it entirely.
BIG DOG MARKETING - ISSUE 366
This may be a harbinger; something bad's gonna happen on 3rd June 2006....
Big Dog Marketing's Mission - To help you make more money from your Internet business by using cost effective marketing techniques.
I just market laws like USCode 47.227 for free, and make five hundred bucks per incident.
What others make complicated - we make simple!
You are what you do....
Thanks to our 300,000 subscribers, we're making it work. D)
I wonder how many 'subscribers' are on this list intentionally....
Gremlin, In this issue of Big Dog Marketing:
You capitalise prepositions in mid-sentence.
1. Ruminations from the Big Dog . . .
'Woof, spam spam spam; woof woof spam; spam woof spam bark....'
"You Must Jump Into Business With Both Feet!"
I knew that leaving one of my feet at home was working against me....
2. Feature Article:
Ah: the closing act.
Marketing Smarter To Earn More
And without adverbs.
By Charlie Cook
Sounds like a gay detective, doesn't it....
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"What If You Could Lock An Internet Guru In A Room...Aim A Gun At His Family...And Demand That He Reveal His Most Closely Guarded Shortcuts To Making Fast Cash On The Internet?"
I'd empty the magazine.
I decided to challenge some top Internet marketers to do this: Make a thousand bucks in 48 hours.
We know.
HOWEVER, I took away all shortcuts they'd normally use like an in-house email list.
Of 300,000 'subscribers'.
They could keep their knowledge, but they had to start from scratch just like any average member of John Q. Public, just like YOU!
So I already know what they know?
In all, fifteen incredibly smart and successful guys like Jeff Paul, Dr. Joe Vitale, Mike Glaspie and Marc Goldman took this challenge.
Nobel Prize Winners, all....
And I figuratively tied their hands behind their backs and put a gun in their faces.
Did you roll a 3d8 and cast Magic Spam first?
These experts took this challenge very seriously and delivered incredible detailed plans showing exactly what how they would make their thousand bucks.
So you spammed each one twice?
Grab your copy of "Desperate For Money" right now!
Yeah! Now! Now! Right now! I'm so excited that I--I---shit; what was the question? Oh well....
http://www.marketingpromo.com/2dfm225n.htm
Oh dear. Did you send an unsolicted hyperlink to a Californiabased ISP [gremlin.net] without prefacing it with 'ADV:'? Bad criminal....
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ruminations from the big dog...
'Woof woof woof spam....'
"You Must Jump Into Business With Both Feet!"
I've got 6.5 feet though....
At a breakfast meeting this week, Fran Tarkenton (yes, that Fran...the original-scrambling-hall-of-fame quarterback who's now a very successful businessman) was sharing some ideas with small business owners.
Yes, that Fran: buttmonkey for Tony Robbins and various lowbudget graveyard cablechannel adverts.
One thing he said in particular stuck in my mind:
'Stop spamming me or I'll clothesline your ass!'
"If you're going to be in your own business, you can't just dip your toe in the water.
It may be physically impossible to dip one toe in the water. Unless you have opposable toes, maybe....
You have to jump in with both feet.
So this was Franny's idea.
If you're not fully committed, then it's not going to work."
Weird. I'm not fully committed; and it seems to work for me....
(By the way, I'll be hosting a tele-seminar with Fran in early December so keep an eye out for that.)
I'll set up the sentryguns.
You may have heard this theme before - that you need to be fully committed - and you need to take your business seriously.
Yeah. Two sentences ago.
And you do.
When you do that thing you do...do be do be do....
If you treat it like a hobby, you'll have a hobby.
Yay!
If you treat it like a real business, you'll have a real business.
And a potential tax burden.
If you put pressure on yourself to perform, you'll do great!
Your wife says otherwise.
That's how I developed the theme for my newest product:
More SPAM!
"Desperate For Money: When You Absolutely, Positively Must Make Money Right Now!"
Yes! I absolutely, positively must make money right--shit; too late.
http://www.marketingpromo.com/2dfm224rn.htm
I see a trend developing here....
The idea originated from a concept known as gun-to-the-head copywriting which is this:
Spam the entirety of the 'net; get shot in the head.
Imagine a gun pointed at your head while you're writing copy.
What sort of gun? Who's holding it? Where are they? Is the gun loaded? Am I using a pen or a laptop? Have I got a phone? I'll need a few specifics before I can plan this scenario through....
If you waste a single word or do anything that is not compelling, the gun goes off.
On a rant.
You use the image of the gun to help you focus clearly and concisely on the task at hand.
I'm more likely to use the image of the gun to help me focus clearly and concisely on the fucking gun. But then, I'm not the retarded one here....
Many people have asked me the question:
'How the fuck did you get my EMail address?!?'
"How do I make money immediately starting from scratch when I don't have a product, don't have a list and only have a very small budget?"
By becoming a televangelist?
Many of these questions come in as people face financial crises.
During years in which six and a half billion people are all dangerously wealthy, we use different tactics.
That's real pressure.
You've never had a migraine.
While I've suggested various solutions to people, I decided to develop a challenge to issue to other top Internet marketers that would force them to respond with their very best strategy that anyone could use to start from scratch.
Prostitution.
Here's the challenge I issued to many Internet "gurus" and 15 responded:
The rest left the responses to their lawyers.
You return home to find that armed desperados are holding your family hostage.
Worse than that: they've got the remote.
They proceed to lock you in a room with a phone and a computer connected to the Internet.
And I instantly hit fbi.gov.
They give you a credit card with 200 dollars available to use.
And then I go to wastedinc.com.
Then, they demanded that you make a thousand bucks online in the next 48 hours or they'd start killing your family.
Can I negotiate for both?
I also set some limitations:
You must be no smarter than Shawn Casey.
You can know as much about Internet marketing and sales as you know now, but you don't have your own list or know anyone who does.
Not a problem.
You're just an average member of John Q. Public who needs to score some cash...fast.
Got it.
The solutions delivered by my fellow marketers are amazing.
I hit PayPal.com and download a thousand bucks from my account.
Guys like Jeff Paul, Dr. Joe Vitale, Mike Glaspie and Marc Goldman really give you specific step-by-step strategies you can follow.
Like suing Shawn Casey as allowed by USCode 47.227....
No guess work.
No intelligence.
No hype.
No ethics.
No fluff.
No friends.
Just straightforward solutions.
Like suicide.
If you ready to jump in with both feet, "Desperate For Money" will give you 15 specific plans you can follow starting today.
Plan Fifteen: escape to that offshore entity you established in Plan Four to evade taxes; prepare for war.
Just imagine how much you can make when you have more than 48 hours to do it.
A million billion gajillion dollars!!!
http://www.marketingpromo.com/2dfm224rn.htm
One of the 'plans' in this book will ultimately prove to be 'jam your URL into everything at least once per page'.
Yours in success,
...if not in intellect
Shawn M. Casey
Criminal spammer at large
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Gremlin, you can make a lot of money online once you've got your products to sell.
You're still here?
Why?
Because I'm smart enough; I'm good enough; and, damnit: people like me....
When you're selling your own product:
You have no one you can blame things on.
1 - You make the sale so you get to keep 100% of the sales proceeds.
So this is all taxfree? I'll tell the IRS you said so.
2 - You get to keep in contact with your customer and make additional sales (called "backend sales") to your customer.
Also calling 'stalking'.
That makes you more money.
And more enemies.
3 - As people visit your website, you can invite them to join your mailing list and build an email list that you can contact again and again.
They join the Mailinglist of Despair already; you have, however, added yet more content for them to read....
You'll make even more sales.
Go me.
Having your products so you start building your own business is the only way to go!
Way ahead of you.
The Instant Products Club is the simplest, easiest way to get your own products to sell.
Too late; I've already got swag here.
I've invested thousands of dollars into developing The Instant Products Club so you get access to over 80 digital products (like ebooks and software), complete with professionally designed websites ready for you to sell right now.
So you're an idiot. I code professionally designed websites in WordPad and outsource to PoDs for free.
You can sell these products and keep 100% of the sale.
Which is important, since these digital products will either suck, appear at suprnova.org in thirty seconds, or both.
You get the customer.
When you came to gremlin.net, did you happen to see the sign reading 'Dead Customer Storage'?
You build your business.
One straw at a time.
http://www.marketingpromo.com/2ipc23n.htm
We know!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Marketing Smarter To Earn More
Earn More Sessions by Sleeving
By Charlie Cook
The Gay PI
An accountant once told me that he never met anyone who didn't want to make 30% more money.
He never met a welfare mom hovering two hundred bucks a month beneath the cutoff ceiling.
Whether you want a better lifestyle or to take more vacations, buy a fancy car, spend more time with your family, send your children to college or to give it all away, you could always use more money.
What shall we use to fill the empty spaces....
If you sell services, your primary limitations on earnings are your costs and the number of hours in a week.
Lawsuits from the criminally spammed can also be a setback.
Most independent professionals are already working well over 40 hours a week and can't work longer hours to increase earnings.
Yup. Natural selection's a bitch.
Your goal should be to find ways to work less and increase your earnings.
We recommend Organised Crime.
How can you market smarter and make more money?
I don't care, as long as Sally Struthers is in no way involved.
DON'T DISCOUNT YOUR SERVICES
Before they hatch.
Have you ever heard of a lawyer or carpenter offering a 20% discount on their hourly or daily rate?
I've had both offer me service trades.
Every time you offer a discount or reduce your regular rates, you are sending a message to prospects that your services really aren't worth what you're asking.
Thanks for the free information.
Once your clients know that your prices are discounted or negotiable, you will always be fighting a battle to be the paid full price for your work.
I have no particular interest in becoming the paid full price. Whatever that means.
Never offer discounts; your clients will assume that they are expected to pay the asking price for your services.
And we wouldn't want that, now would we....
OVERCOME OBJECTIONS TO PRICE
'You say that a thousand bucks for a Snickers Bar is too much? Well, let's look at this logically, shall we? Ben Franklin was a pretty bright guy, wasn't he? He certainly was. And do you know what Old Ben used to do back when he was what we like to call 'alive'? Why, he'd create a balance sheet for every decision he ever had to make. On one side, he'd list the benefits; on the other side, he'd list the detriments. As an example: taking a leak will prevent you from exploding today; that's a benefit. On the downside, you'll probably have to stand up first. And so on. Down the list he'd go. Pretty clever, isn't it. Now gimee a thousand bucks or I'll piss on you....'
Prospects invariably want to know your pricing before they understand the benefits your products and services provide.
'You can't afford it; I'm wasting my time here; I'm not letting you buy this from me; you're not worthy.'
Quoting prices is meaningless until prospects can put the cost into the context of the results they can expect.
'Imagine if I had a gun at your head; a thousand bucks for a Snickers Bar would seem quite reasonable, wouldn't it....'
When prospects show concern about your pricing, it's a good sign.
'A thousand bucks for something costing seventy-five cents at 7Eleven seems a bit steep to us....'
It indicates their interest in buying your services and a need to understand the value you provide.
'Not that we've ruled out spending the extra $999.25 to acquire one in the comfort of our own home....'
You could list all the benefits of your services but if you really want to make the sale, it's far more effective to let prospects sell themselves.
Which is where the gun comes in handy....
A client's perception of value isn't based on how much they pay, but on whether their expectations will be met and the benefit they will receive.
Which is why Snickers Bars sell for an average of a thousand bucks each....
Don't get stuck on the dollars you charge per hour.
Just blurt out any random bid before you discover exactly how complex the job is likely to be....
Instead help prospects define the dollar benefit of your services.
Don't think of it as paying me five hundred bucks per spam; just think of all the money you won't be spending on court costs....
When prospects query you on price, respond by asking questions to help them identify for themselves the problem they want solved, the cost of the problem, the solution they need, and how you can help them.
'Before we get to price, lemee ask you this: are you able to take out a mortgage?'
Prospects buy when they think their expectations will be met.
So defraud them early and often.
Let them define their expectations and they'll be far more likely to sell themselves when you finally explain your pricing at the end of the conversation.
'...and that's why it's far better to buy this EBook on how to sell EBooks from me than just finding it through WinMX for free.'
POSITION YOURSELF AS AN EXPERT
Peddler, PhD.
Differentiate yourself from your competition by using your articles to regularly provide insight and ideas to your prospects and clients so they come to view you as an expert in your field.
'Sure there are other people who can do this for you; but notice how short they all are....
Use expert positioning and consider raising your prices.
So you can deal with everyone expecting last year's prices, as warned against above.
When Arnold Schwarzenegger first arrived in the U.S. he had trouble getting work as a stonemason with his funny accent, despite charging less than his competitors.
Then, he discovered steroids.
A friend suggested he set his prices above the competition and bill himself and his partner as exclusive European masons.
But Tom Arnold wasn't European; the charade was doomed from the start.
His business took off and look where he is now!
Trapped in the SmokeFree environment of California without an acting career.
AVOID HOURLY FEES
Charge by the minute.
Unless you sell hour-long massages, charging by the hour is the best way to limit your earning potential.
In fact, unless you're selling hour-long 'massages', you're probably about to go bankrupt either way.
When you charge by the hour you lose money if you work efficiently or if you get a great idea right away.
Set a minimum, Dummy.
Prospects can always negotiate with you on the number of hours they want, undermining your ability to put in the time needed to meet their expectations.
Little known spammer fact: prospects want hours, not results.
Prospects want results.
Make up your damned mind....
Help them clarify the results they want and then set a project fee for accomplishing those results.
A million billion gajillion dollars!!!
Make sure your contract or letter of agreement allows you to adjust your price if the project changes mid-stream.
Adding a clause allowing you to take possession of their soul on forfeit is also helpful.
USE VALUE BASED PRICING
Provide services exclusively to mendicants.
You can pay $30 or over $5,000 a night for a motel or hotel room.
Yes. Yes I can.
Both provide a roof over your head, a bed and your own bathroom, so why do some people pay over 150 times more for one than the other?
If you have to ask, you'd better stick to Motel6.
People buy based on their perception of the value provided.
Particularly from the electric company.
If they understand the value that your service or product provides, they may be willing to pay much, much more than you are currently charging.
So just ask for their routing numbers.
Look at the results you provide for clients and reassess your pricing.
A million billion trillion gajillion dollars!!!
LEVERAGE YOUR TIME AND MONEY
Pry them apart?
Like most service professionals you have limited time and money to spend on marketing.
But never at the same time....
Much of your time is spent delivering services.
Get the door: It's Domino's....
Is your marketing helping you earn more?
No; but callbacking morons might be.
Do prospects understand the unique value you provide?
No! I work and work and what do I get? I--oh wait; nevermind; I was thinking of someone else.
If not, take a look at the way you are positioning your firm and adjust it to clarify your value to clients.
I never want to see you placing 'positioning', 'firm', and 'adjust' in the same sentence again.
Are you making what you could be?
No; I'm dealing with your spam.
If you apply even one or two of the above strategies, you'll be making more money than you are now without working any harder.
...through the miracle of compounded interest.
You'll probably still wish you had 30% more.
I still have thirty percent more; I'm not to the end of the spam yet....
*****
The author, Marketing Coach, Charlie Cook, helps independent professionals and small business owners attract more clients and increase their earnings with the 5 Principles of Highly Effective Marketing.
Sign up for the Free Marketing Guide and the 'More Business' newsletter, full of practical marketing tips at http://www.charliecook.net
Not a chance in all Malebolgia.
-
2003 © In Mind Communications, LLC. All rights reserved.
-
Counterpoint dialogue Copyright © 2003 Gremlin
Charlie Cook is President of In Mind Communications in Old Greenwich, CT and can be contacted via www.charliecook.net, or by calling 203-637-1118.
...collect.
To get the Free Marketing Guide and the 'More Business' newsletter, full of practical marketing tips go to http://www.charliecook.net
...before you sober up.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sit back and ask yourself:
'Why do I spam?'
What's the most important part of any ad or sales letter?
Getting someone to read it.
The headline, of course.
Of course, of course; and no one can spam to a horse, of course; unless, of course, that spam-med horse is the famous Mister SpEd....
What's the hardest part to get right?
The 7.3% sales tax?
The headline.
Oh. That again.
That's correct.
Let's move on to our Bonus Round....
The headline will make - or break - your ad and it's the toughest part to write...
...if you don't know English.
Until now, that is.
Introducing the New and Improved Spamplifier! It's just what it sounds like! Part simplifier; part amplifier; and one hundred percent Spamplifier! Amaze you friends! Hand justifiable homicide defences to your enemies today! With the Spamplifier! From Galoob!
So...
Spamplify your troubles away!
Stop struggling with headlines.
Spamplify them!
Stop settling for mediocre results.
Spamplify them!
Stop doing things the hard way.
Spamplify them!
Instead, simply answer 4 simple questions, press 1 button, and get 100 killer headlines...
With the Spamplifier!
That's okay.
Better yet: it's Spamplified!
I didn't believe it either until I saw this amazing software in action.
Bullshit stays fresh longer with the Spamplifier!
Check out this online video to see me actually create 100 superb headlines:
Using the Spamplifier!
http://www.marketingpromo.com/2hpc28n.htm
And it really, really works. The Spamplifier! From Galoob!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I should register a trademark on the Spamplifier....
-----
Legal Stuff...
Oh good. I can't wait to hear the legal opinions of spammers....
We accept no responsibility whatsoever for the content, profitability or legality of any published articles or advertisements contained within Big Dog Marketing.
Read: 'when this turns out to be a scam, we didn't know'.
And, although all of the articles have been selected for their content, the publishing of such articles within this newsletter does NOT constitute a recommendation of the products or services mentioned or advertised within those articles.
Except, of course, for the Spamplifier!
Be responsible!
Don't drink and spam.
Always do your own Due Diligence before responding to any offer.
And your own Caveat Emptor; and your own Habeus Corpus.
Results may vary, as with any business opportunity, you could make more or less.
It's a cinch I'll make at least five hundred bucks per spam from these 'tards. Unless they can't afford it.
Success in any business opportunity is a result of hard work, time and a variety of other factors.
Like sacrificing a baby seal to Quetzalcoatl.
No express or implied guar*ntees of income or spillover are made when joining or purchasing the products and services advertised or mentioned in in this newsletter.
Including the guarantee that the OCR software is any good.
------------------------------------------------
We respect the privacy of our readers.
We exploit the idiocy of our spammers.
We will NEVER supply or sell your personal information to any Third Party!
Fourth Party get whatever they like.
------------------------------------------------
Although Big Dog Marketing is interested in presenting you with advertisements for quality products and services, Big Dog Marketing cannot spend the time to do the due diligence it takes to ensure that only reliable services and products are advertised with us.
Or to acknowledge demands to remove EMail addresses from their spamlists.
So you should understand that Big Dog Marketing does not represent or endorse the accuracy or reliability of any of the advertisements in our newsletter or the quality of any products, information or other materials displayed, purchased, or obtained by you as a result of an offer in connection with any advertisement.
Read: 'they all pretty well suck'.
Big Dog Marketing encourages you to do your own due diligence before purchasing any product, whether it is offered here or anywhere else for that matter, before purchasing.
I'll have to do some research on the Denver Police Department....
Please use your own judgment and carefully check out those products that interest you.
Particularly if you intend to use these products to manage your spamlists.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thanks for reading!
Yup. Thanks for sucking.
Shawn Casey
Eric Santos
Success Management Corp.
How many companies are behind this fucking thing?
You can forward this newsletter to your friends and associates as long as you include the entire newsletter.
I did.
To contact Big Dog Marketing:
Call 1.800.SPAMMER
Scott@marketingpromo.com
Who?
To Subscribe: (in process of moving list, more information next issue)
Uh-huh....
To Unsubscribe - See Below
And factor it against the information above.
Copyright 1999-2003 - Success Management Corporation
Copyright © Gremin 1996-2003. I win.
===================================================================
To stop further mailings or to change your details, click on this link: http://getresponse.com/r?y=MTY0MTM0L2dyZW1saW5AZ3JlbWxpbi5uZXQvMC8=
...if you think it'll work this time....
--Gremlin