Posted by Hunter [24.8.14.102 - c-24-8-14-102.client.comcast.net] on 21 April 2004 at 13.42.50 ZuluTime:

In Reply to: Limbo posted by Morphia on 21 April 2004 at 08.33.29 ZuluTime:

Step back a little more and have a look....

-9 months to '0': There are so many expected natural developmental stages here that I don't want to bother. But, at zero, you're expected to be born. Practically right on the dot. Anything more, they force you out [late term abortion anyone?] anything less, they do everything but cram you back in, after they fail to keep you in there in the first place. But the rest of the timeline fails to be based on these very important months....

Somewhere around three years of age, I think it is, you're supposed to finally become aware of your actions. And if you're not walking/running/speaking/reading/pottytrained/doing calculus by this time, your mother will lie about it and say you are anyway....

The next one is the first big stupid one: Kindergarten. The entire 'rules' for kindergarte, at least the way I understand them, is 'print your own name' and 'your birthday is before this arbitrary date, so if you're one of the summerbabies, you get stuck in a class with a bunch of huge hold-backs who were held back and allowed to develop another year for no other reason than 'their birthday was too late'.

And then, of course, you can 'fail' kindergarten somehow...I don't understand that. And some places have a K2 sorta thing so you end up being about nine before you get thrown in with those little seven and eight year old first graders.

Then, fairly far down the line, you hit that amazing age where you're allowed to get your drivers' permit. But before that, in some states, you're allowed to fuck [it may actually be as young as fourteen, of course, those same states probably have driving permits set at that age too]. And right around that same hazy, changes-from-state-to-state line, you've got your transition from 'can hunt and fish and whatnot without getting a stupid little card or tag' to 'having to register, and obey the rules'. I guess someone under sixteen or so can't understand that killing five things is somewhat more than killing one, and cannot be held responsible for doing so.

I think it's once you cross that first magical 'I can fuck' line [in some states, in others, it's the 'I'm allowed to learn how to drive' or 'I have to stick to the seasonal limits' line] that things start going to hell. That magical 'I can fuck' line usually coincides with 'I can get married with [or without, in some cases] my parents' permission', but for some reason doesn't line up with the 'I can purchase birth control or get a pregnancy test/abortion' without my parents permission. Not to mention the complete misalignment of the 'I can ruin my life by having a kid while I'm still in school, but I can't punch holes in my body or get things drawn on it' standards. If you can get knocked up and be forced to keep the kid because you can't do anything about it without your parents' knowing, then you should be able to drill all the holes you fuckin' want. Piercings get infected, but they don't scream and suck the life out of you for eighteen plus years....

While the rest of the world is trying to sort out whether you're allowed to be learning how to drive, or if you can actually be driving [and here's the question of what: some places there's a bit of a rift between moped, motorbike, and car.], whether you can be hunting or fishing without that little permit or even be holding a gun, and every other thing that happens between 13 and 18, suddenly eighteen hits and you're allowed to buy cigarettes and smoke, vote, buy birth control [and have sex with people older than eighteen], vote, and [you have to register, even if you're crippled!] be drafted. Oh, and be tried as an adult. Let's not forget that.

Somewhere in there, in some states, you're also allowed to learn how to operate a meat slicer. Eighteen in PA. We'll just use that. At eighteen, in PA, you magically become 'able' to learn how to operate a meat slicer. A heavy metallic thing with a fast moving, really sharp blade that can only be used to hurt yourself. Why does this age-limit exist?

So here you are at magical eighteen. An adult, according to the courts, but you CAN'T BUY GLUE.

That's right. You're eighteen. You can't buy glue. Because you're not twenty-one. Because somewhere between eighteen and twenty-one you learn that it's a fucking awful idea to sniff glue or any of the dozens of other products that you would otherwise sniff if you were under twenty-one.

I'm not kidding.

Getting past those few horribly glue-less [and other essential household products, I wonder if RediWhip is on this list...] years, you make it to twenty-one, and now you can buy all sorts of things. Glue, beer, all sorts of stuff. You've got the keys to the kingdom. Almost.

A few more years, and you get that last big milestone that I know of: insurance decrease. Somewhere in this time you're also allowed to rent cars [some places it varies, apparently]. You're also less likely to get drafted at 25, and by the time you hit thirty, you're even less likely. I think by forty they give up on drafting you entirely. Which nearly brings us to that magical 55-65-wherever they've moved it to 'senior citisen' status. And I'm not sure that status actually matches up with your ability to collect on that social security you've been so dutifully raped of....

And now I can't think anymore, because someone down the block cranked their gospel and it feels like they're holding morning worship in my livingroom....