6th January 2003
Spam of the Day
In a prerecorded address, Iraqi President Saddam Hussein announced today that: 'Instead of looking for the so-called weapons of mass destruction...the [UN] inspection teams are...making lists of Iraqi scientists...giving special attention to military camps...and to other matters, all or most of which constitutes purely intelligence work'.
Hussein denies knowledge of UFOs converging in Baghdad
When did Iraqi scientists become a matter of 'intelligence work'? Aren't these the same morons who greenlighted the scuds a few years ago?
'We are in our country and the one who is in his country is right and its enemy is wrong. When the enemy comes as an aggressor, the victory will go to the people of right when they are inside their homeland,' Hussein added.
Some restrictions may apply in France.
'Oh Allah pray guide them along the road of righteousness if you so decide, otherwise smite them with your wrath, smash them with your destruction blow, for they are a group of criminals...if anyone intends to intimidate you, the people of Iraq, repel him and tell him he is a small midget, while we belong to a nation of glorious faith, a great nation and an ancient people...we shall not be intimidated by their falsehood. Allah shall drown them in shame.'
How unsmall and unmidgety can Iraq really be, if they have to rely on the whims of a bad copy of an arcane lunar deity?
'We are confident, depending on the Almighty, that you will be, with the beginning of every new day, better till you reach the best situation, in defiance of the disappointed enemy, the friends and helpers of Satan, night and darkness,' Hussein said.
Friends of Satan? Oh. I guess this isn't my war after all....
'Their arrows will go aimlessly while your arrows will hit them.'
Scuds, arrows, whatever....
Y'know: I'm sort of a benevolent omnipacifist in these matters. I don't really care who lives and who dies, so long as it's entertaining to watch. But this guy is getting on my nerves now. And, worse, as much as everyone wants him dead, no one's doing anything to make that happen.
I think it's time to employ a new foreign policy. Fire the armies. They're not helping us. I've got a friend back in Chicago who can take this guy out for ten thousand bucks, plus expenses. Lemee give him a call; he'll kill Hussein, dump him in a river, and leave a card behind; and we can all go out for pizza afterward, okay?
