Thursday 5th June 2003
UPDATE: it's been brought to my attention that ZuluTime [Greenwich Mean Time, or GMT] has been replaced by UTC [Universal Time, Coordinated], which should be UCT [Universal Coordinated Time] but isn't, because the original acronym was UTC in French. SECONDARY UPDATE: nevermind. That's fucking retarded. We now return to ZuluTime, already in progress. FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
Effective 12.01AM ZuluTime 1st July 2003, the provisions set forth by USCode 47.227 will be enforced against any entity, business, or individual [hereafter referred to as Muttfucker] contacting or attempting to contact the entity known as Gremlin [gremlin@gremlin.net] [hereafter known as Gremlin], under any of its names, by unsolicted EMail or by computer-assisted call to its mobile phone, and said Muttfucker will be expected to remit US$500 per infringement, to Gremlin, within ten business days. Feel free to use that for yourselves; just remember to replace Gremlin with whatever your names are.
Since the implementation of the new AntiSpam policy introduced a couple of months ago, there have been a number of questions [following disclaimers that regulars were asking for more information, and not spamming me, of course >:) ] about the legal logistics regarding the $500 backcharge to spammers in various parts of the world.
Granting that ZuluTime has been effectively replaced by something French, we'll be calling it FreedomTime from now on.However unfortunately, the specific law I'm citing applies only to ISPs based in California, which includes gremlin.net and other sites at http://66.219.85.218. It doesn't say anything in particular about EMail addresses from hotmail.com, yahoo.com, et cetera; although EMail addresses from grem.tv appear to fall under this law.
Anyway: since enough people have been asking about it, I looked into similar laws on the matter, and discovered an older one--still very much in effect--which no one appears to know about.
Until now.
According to USCode 47.227, Restrictions on Use of Telephone Equipment, unsolicted 'calls' made by 'equipment which has the capacity' 'to store or produce telephone numbers to be called, using a random or sequential number generator; and' 'to dial such numbers' 'for the purpose of encouraging the purchase or rental of, or investment in, property, goods, or services, which is transmitted to any person' entitle the victim to 'an action based on a violation of this subsection or the regulations prescribed under this subsection to enjoin such violation,' an action to recover for actual monetary loss from such a violation, or to receive $500 in damages for each such violation, whichever is greater, or' 'both such actions'.
This appears to have been the original basis for the newer [additional] law which defines EMail as an unsolicted sales pitch made by equipment which has this capacity. Which, if you live within the US and therefore under the laws of the USCode, likely entitle you to backcharge spammers $500 per spam.
But it gets better....
Under the same law, 'It shall be unlawful for any person within the United States -' 'to make any call (other than a call made for emergency purposes or made with the prior express consent of the called party) using any automatic telephone dialing system or an artificial or prerecorded voice -' 'to any telephone number assigned to a paging service, cellular telephone service, specialized mobile radio service, or other radio common carrier service, or any service for which the called party is charged for the call' [or] 'to use any telephone facsimile machine, computer, or other device to send an unsolicited advertisement to a telephone facsimile machine'
Which, at first glance, merely says the same thing. Look again.
It says the same thing, of course. But it adds a fun new variable. Especially for me, since I haven't even got a landline here.
Every fucking time a telemarketer calls my mobile phone, said fucker owes me five hundred bucks. This is good news.
Not that I'm required to, but I'll post fair notice here in this publicly-available statement.
Of course, if you're outside the US, this probably won't help you much. You'll have to find your own BatTimes and BatChannels for yourselves. But it appears to work pretty well for US citisens.
In a related story, I also looked at the laws regarding the use of social security numbers. Something I've been upset about for a while. Partly because the SSA are, by any definition, a fucking pyramid scheme.
As of right now today, it remains illegal for any person, company, institution, entity, or deity to require your social security number for any purpose except: for the specific use of reporting provable salaries, supplied to the entity behind the SSN, to the IRS. Which is to say that the SSN can't be a required form of identification for creditcards, rent-to-own scams [I have a written, signed admission of guilt from the district manager of RentACentre regarding their illegal demand for SSNs prior to approval here on my desk somewhere], et cetera. In fact, you can't be required to give the number to a potential employer; it's only required once you've been hired and have been guaranteed a salary. Mentioning that the next time you apply for that $400,000/year position should get you hired instantly, no further questions asked.
But fear not, Employers; I've got a good one for you, too.
To my knowledge, few occupations remain on the planet for which a sixth grade education [um, or better] is required. As an employer, you can logically expect your employees to have attended and graduated elementary school. Maybe even Junior High.
That much assumed, we can further assume that anyone you employ will know that matter/energy cannot be created or destroyed; only converted between states. Which means that anyone shown to be a fucking creationist, taking the first line of the bible to be anything other than badly-written fiction, can be assumed to have been falsifying information on its original application, in which it asserted to have graduated sixth grade. Sack the morons at will. I certainly do.
That's about it. Except for the disclaimer to morons: FOR ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES ONLY; AS ALWAYS, DO YOUR OWN RESEARCH BEFORE GOING OUT AND FUCKING THINGS UP; YOUR MISUSE OF INFORMATION IS NOT MY FAULT.
More later....
--Gremlin