The End

Saturday 27th December 2003

There are still a few days left in the year, but let's be honest about this. I've got about as much chance of doing anything before 2004 as any given deity has. Which may require a quick explanation.
Not about my habit of taking a week off, really; about deities' habits of failing to exist.
As I scientist, I tend to avoid buying into the claims made by plebeians who can't spell the more vernacular words in chatrooms [the merch reading your an idiot i'm a genious is, in fact, a direct fucking quote from one of these illiterate morons] and instead operate independent studies to test these various assertions.
In this case, I've been testing for omnipotent, omniscient, agreeable deities. Any deities with the omniscience to know that this offer exists, the proclivities to do what it takes to make it happen, and the omnipotence to get away with it, have until the end of 2003 to post a simple message to the board, from the IP Address of 7.7.7.7.7.7.7, stating that they do, in fact, exist. So far, as you can see, no deities have accomplished that.
Because there's a future potential for any given homosapien to post to the board from a seven-digit IP, I'm adjusting this contest for 2004. Here are the new rules.
The first deity[s] with the omnipotent, omniscience, and interest required to give me US$1trillion gets my attention. It's that simple.
Now. The money isn't primarily the issue here. The only reason I ran with a trillion bucks is that it's a threshold. There are natural forces out there with the financial ability to give me a dollar, a thousand, a million, or even a billion. To my knowledge, no individual entity on this plane of existence has the wherewithal to donate a trillion dollars to me. An omnipotent deity, on the other hand, shouldn't have any real trouble getting this to happen.
An omniscient deity, meanwhile, would have known about this little contest within about a yoctosecond after I thought it up. So there will be no excuses for ignorance.
Whether any given deity would want to give me a trillion bucks, just to prove its existence to me, is anyone's guess. Fortunately, it's a requirement. If omnipotent, omniscient deities exist who aren't willing to give me a trillion bucks, then fuck'em. It's all about effort and interest. If I'm expected to expend a couple of kilocalories in bumping deities from Myth to Fact in my proverbial mental database, then they're similarly expected to pull a few superstrings and make this money exist at my disposal. Those are the rules. My rules. If a deity don't like my rules, then that's fine. It'll remain mythical. I don't really care either way.
Something else I should explain--logically for the benefit of the third party, since an omniscient deity should already be aware of this: in the event that any given deity does give me a trillion bucks, I'll accept that it exists. That's the deal. I will not, however, worship it. I'm not a fucking groupie. Deities who give me a trillion bucks get my attention, not my respect. The time to get me to like deities ended a long time ago.
Objectively, I'm willing to wait and see. Personally, I have no real hope of having this happen. To date, deities, in all their reported omnipotence, haven't even had the pedestrian abilities to outlaw abortions or keep their job descriptions in the pledge of allegience. Which begs the question, I suppose: can a deity make a set of commandments so big that a lower circuit judge can't lift them out of a courtroom. Evidently not.
Anyway: that's the new offer. The first deity to make me a trillionaire gets my attention. Although, to be fair about it, I'll grant my attention to each deity who can accomplish this paultry little feat. Simple because, logically, omnipotent entites could preempt each other after the fact by going back in time and getting me the money before any of the others had. For five trillion, I'll accept that five different deities exist. And so on. Whether any given deity wants to add a little note mentioning its own name is up to it.
Of course, a thousand deities could probably get together, each fronting a billion, and leaving their names out of it. In fact, a thousand billionaires could do that, here on Earth. To date, there aren't a thousand billionaires alive. So, this test will be valid until things change. Then I'll think of something else to do.
Okay. Let's get to the Spam of the Day here....